A supposedly mature lawmaker unabashedly sheds tears in public like a little boy accused of misdemeanor in class. Another legislator casually clips or grooms his mustache while conducting a public hearing, even as video cameras are documenting the proceedings. A pastor-leader of a religious community exalts himself to high heavens with all kinds of conjured divine titles, claiming to have supernatural powers.
Consider the former US President who lost in the last elections and is still being very much in the limelight. All he cares about is being admired and looked up to as the Best Person in the World. For years we’ve known that there’s something wrong about this man’s character. An article in the reputable magazine Psychology Today (May 12, 2017) says that after a thorough evaluation, psychological scientists have concluded that “he is a four-year-old.” Yet he is already in his late 70s.
It’s becoming a widespread phenomenon: elderly men who possess the outward appearance and trappings of adulthood but who are on the inside predominantly just children. We have native terms to describe these supposedly adult individuals: “Isip bata” or “tumatandang paurong.” The sad thing is they don’t realize they are in arrested development stasis.
This is why I utterly agree with what a professional psychologist has pointed out: Emotional maturity has nothing to do with age.
My fear is that we are becoming a nation led by kids in adult bodies. And we are allowing them to play with our lives.
But are we not supposed to keep the “child in us” alive even in old age as psychology experts and motivational gurus have been telling us?
The answer is: be childlike, not childish. Aye, there’s the rub.
When we say inner child, we actually refer to that sense of wonder, fun and curiosity intrinsic in every child that believes and imagines the most fantastic things. Being childlike also means to be simple, pure, and honest.
On the other hand, childish means being narcissistic, selfish, irresponsible, tactless, and putting a tantrum when things don’t go our way.
Two thousand years ago, St. Paul stated it very well: “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” As we grow up and mature, as we are trained and disciplined, we should leave childish ways behind.
Dismayingly, many of us are guilty of fostering and encouraging perpetual immaturity. As parents, we have unknowingly been stunting the emotional growth of our children. That’s because we have not grown up ourselves.
We play their little games. We cater to their selfish desires. When young kids crave for attention on social media, we allow and even help them to get attention, rather than the substance that they need to grow. We keep buying the latest digital toys they want because we’re afraid they’ll be left behind by their generation, FOMO (fear of missing out) as young people call it.
Or worse, some parents love to have “toys for the big boys” themselves. I know one father who likes to bring boxes of chocolates for his kids. But he consumes half of them himself. Parents are forgetting that children take after them. Parents teach by their actions, and these can influence their growth for better or for worse.
Psychologist and writer Dr. Nicole LePera says that the level of our emotional maturity comes from how our developmental needs were met as children. And, the modeling we get from our parent figures who teach us how to navigate our emotions. Take the case of one person whom I personally know very well. Let’s call him JT. He’s now in his early 40s, and according to sociologists, at this age, your main focus should be getting ready for your retirement. That means cutting down on debt and increasing retirement savings, and making sure your family is well taken care of and you’ve prepared for any worst-case scenarios. This is also the time for you to find purpose in midlife through meaningful activities and engaging in creative pursuits.
That’s not the case with JT. His main preoccupation is collecting expensive 4 wheelers and 2 wheelers. He likes to show off his new possessions on social media, tagging his buddies as if he is competing in a game called “look what I got” or “beat that.”
As if to compensate for the comforts that he was deprived of during his growing up years, JT is working long hours to earn as much as he can by any means to be able to lavish his family with material abundance and luxuries such as signature clothes, dining in expensive restaurants, staying in 5-star hotels, enrolling them in elite private schools and so on. Most recently, he posted pictures of his family going on a luxury cruise to Mexico.
But what in fact makes an adult “mature”?
Gordon Allport, an influential American psychologist, says that one of the personality traits characterizing a healthy mature personality is a capacity to manage emotion as well as the ability to go beyond self-preoccupation and to have concern for others. In his mind, he occupies such a central place that he is unable or finds it difficult to see a situation from another person’s point of view.
In contrast, a “childish” adult doesn’t have that ability. At the core of his childishness you will find what I call “Self at the Center.” The usual manifestations are pride, self-exaltation and self-gratification. One characteristic is the inability to see much beyond his own ego preoccupations. And if a person can’t laugh at himself, that’s a red flag.
I’ve suffered my share of the ordeal of putting up with these childish fools. They come in a variety of shapes and sizes. He or she could be your boss or a colleague or friend or an elected politician. Many are physically attractive, that’s why they are adulated and they often get their way. They are enabled by sycophants who continuously feed their vanities with phony praises while siphoning off them.
It’s time to shut them off. Let’s start by calling out parents who refuse to grow up. Let’s stop giving immature, entitled, self-centered politicians public platforms on which to perform their childish acts. Let’s take away their unearned “honorific titles” and the emblems of office that are really meant for mature respectable adults. Let’s press the mute button on so-called pastors and religious leaders with outsized egos, who prattle about spiritual transformation and salvation while getting enriched and enjoying lives like rich pampered kids.
Oh where oh where are the real mature adults now that we need them?