Recently, a former college classmate and I had coffee together. During our chat, we hardly exchanged words, consisting of dangling conversations and lingering silences, while absentmindedly sipping our cafe latte, which soon became stale and cold.
After a while, we said our goodbyes and withdrew back to our respective comfort zones.
While regular fellows would probably say that it was all a waste of our time, on the contrary, we both had a swell time. Seriously.
You see, we are both introverts and we had this tacit mutual respect ever since we got drawn to each other in college 50 years ago.
Let’s first touch base on what an introvert is, which is actually short for “introverted.” One dictionary defines an introvert as “someone who is shy, quiet, and prefers to spend time alone rather than being with other people.” That’s me. Except for “shy.”
Another dictionary describes him as a “person with qualities of a personality type known as introversion, which means that he feels more comfortable focusing on his inner thoughts and ideas, rather than what’s happening externally. He enjoys spending time with just one or two people, rather than big groups or crowds.” Does someone you know behave in this way? You probably get frustrated or exasperated when you are in his or her company.
Horacio Jones, an author of self-help books, distills the essence of what an introvert is:
“I like being alone.
Therefore, in order to win me over,
your presence has to feel better than my solitude.
You’re not competing with another person,
you are competing with my comfort zone.”
One parent I know is worried about his adolescent daughter because she is verbally uncommunicative. He thinks that she has a speech defect or something. Or worse, she’s autistic. Yet her report card shows she is academically above average. She is also interested in sports, especially badminton and table tennis. Sometimes she likes to go biking alone. I told him not to worry; she is just an introvert.
In 2011, a research by psychologists Jennifer Grimes, Jonathan Cheek, and Julie Norem broke introversion into four main types: social introvert, thinking introvert, anxious introvert, and restrained introvert. In my case, I check all the boxes, except “anxious introvert.”
But let’s not get into categorizing. Let me just give you some tips on how to be more understanding and accepting of someone who is an introvert. Because you never know, he or she could be a loved one.
First of all, introverts are not talkers; most of the time we stay quiet. Someone once described me as “a man of few words.” This is why we come off as boring, dull and uninteresting conversationalists.
I learned early in my life that no one likes to be around a quiet person who doesn’t like to talk much. So an introvert accepts the fact that he does not fit in.
But there is a good reason why introverts don’t talk much.
They are in fact listening. They are silent on the surface, but believe me they are observing, intensely watching and studying your every move and word. Not just what you say, but your body language, your vibes, and the intention behind your words.
They may nod, and smile and go along. But trust me, they’re just being polite and courteous not calling you on your phony facade, your sugar-coated words, your “good” intentions, your fake personality.
One introvert says it best: “Don’t underestimate me because I’m quiet. I know more than I say. Think more than I speak, and observe more than you know.”
An introvert may not like to be in a group but he is not a loner or anti-social. People are sometimes surprised when I call myself an introvert, as I can be very friendly. The truth is most introverts like people. Although he is not a fan of small talk, he can tolerate it for short periods of time. Being in a crowd or attending a party or social function drains him emotionally, so he inconspicuously slinks away after spending a lot of time with others.
What people don’t see is the introvert’s need for recharging his batteries in quiet solitude. As much as he likes people, he also treasures his private space.
An introvert values true connection with kindred spirits. If an introvert connects with you, it means that you matter to him. As I said, when you’re trying to make friends with an introvert, be aware that he can see right through you. So be authentic and genuine or risk losing his trust. Once that happens, he will phase you out slowly and surely but very quietly. We introverts don’t like drama.
It’s not often we introverts find the right people, however, so for the most part we just stay silent and speak economically in conversation.
But if you are deemed to be the right person, some introverts will “converse” with you for hours on end about almost anything. Just be prepared for intermittent silences but appreciate that those still moments in between are not empty. They are pregnant with feelings and substance. For an introvert, elliptical silences can feel as intimate as spoken words.
Now that I have acquainted you a little about introverts, I hope you become more careful in shutting them out of the conversation. Befriend them. Employ them. They won’t waste your time in small talk. They will best fit in research, creative or investigative work. They will give you well-thought out reports. They can help you gauge people better because they’re sharp at seeing through facades or b.s.
My wild wish is for the world to have more introverts in our homes, workplaces, public places, and especially in public governance. Our world would then be quieter and we would be more attentive to each other. We would have less of talking and more of thinking and doing.
Blessed are the silent ones, they run deeper.