We deserve more: Why Fubu relationships make no sense

cyril razon1Last of a series

Iam down to trying lots of things; having a “F__k” buddy (fubu) is not one of them.

Maybe because I prefer not to be a masochist, maybe I’m still sane. But one of the biggest myths of our generation is the idea that we can have fubus or “friends with benefits” (FWB).

We are tricked into believing that this is something that can actually work with both emotionally unscathed. We glorify the idea with movies like When Harry Met Sally, Friends with Benefits and No Strings Attached.

But what happens at the ends of these movies? The couples end up together. Because that’s the only happy ending for a true FWB situation.

By FWB, I don’t mean the guy you hook up with once in a while and happen not to hate. I don’t mean the guy who became your friend after you started hooking up. (I mean, that’s gonna happen when you’re casually “porking” every now and then). I’m talking about the guy who was your friend first before you “doofuses” and decided to have “casual” sex.

But this makes no sense. If you love someone enough to call that person a friend and you’re attracted to that person enough to sleep with him or her, you should probably be dating each other.

No matter how much you try to play it cool, I know there is a little part of you (the same part that tears up every time Dylan and Jamie hooks up) who believes in the rom-com. A little part of you wants this to work—and that’s only natural!

Real life is not a rom-com; someone will have some feelings and those emotions will be, more often than not, one-sided.

But the guy you happen not to hate is not the virtual stranger who became a semi-friend after your hookup sessions. This guy was a real, bonafide friend. You had a friendship before this. You had something to lose.

So before you lose something great, read this and understand the (many) reasons having a FWB deal just doesn’t work.

Emotions are inevitable

SOMEONE is always going to have feelings in an FWB deal. How could you not? This person is your friend. Last time I checked, you tend to love your friends (and, if you don’t, that’s a problem in and of itself). The only thing that keeps you from sleeping with your friends is a lack of romantic attraction.

Of course you’re going to develop feelings! I mean, come on. A person you love as a friend and enjoy making sweet, sweet tender love with?

That’s the kind of stuff #relationshipgoals are made of. This is what makes it hurt about 7 trillion times more when the feelings aren’t mutual.

It’s like you were this close to the real deal and then she casually starts talking about getting back together with her evil ex when you two are lying in bed.

You expect more from your friends

THE beauty of a casual, regular hookup is that there are no expectations. No strings. You hookup once in a while and that’s the extent of it. When it’s over, it’s over.

There doesn’t have to be any sort of big discussion. Maybe respond to his next booty call with “Hey, I actually met someone” (the truth of this is irrelevant), and that’s it. Say hi to him if you ever see him out and your duty has been fulfilled. You don’t owe this guy anything.

Friendships are not casual. Outside of hooking up, the two of you already have a foundation of respect. A friendship comes with inherent expectations and strings. You can’t just ghost your friend. You can’t just let it fizzle; there’s a whole other dynamic to your relationship that won’t allow for these.

It’s embarrassing to want more

OUR fear of rejection makes us dishonest. I mean, we aren’t supposed to want anything more, right?

If you’re a guy who wants more, you’re a “pussy.” If you’re a girl who wants more, you’re “needy plus slutty” and incapable of doing anything casual. Both, however, couldn’t be considered cool. So as part of our lifelong quest for “coolness,” we pretend that we don’t want anything more than sex.

We disguise our feelings even as we sense that one person in the relationship is feeling something. And that’s the first ripple in the calm sea of our friendship.

The beauty of a friendship is that two people can be completely honest with each other. But a FWB deal strips the best friendship of this honesty.

It drives you insane

THE lack of honesty and the general counter-intuitiveness of this entire situation is enough to make anyone insane. It’s physically exhausting to pretend not to care for someone you deeply want to date.

If he invites you to the movies, you’re wondering if he’s inviting you as a friend or a booty call? Should you be offended if he doesn’t want to hook up tonight?! Or should you be offended if he does?

Your mind is flooded with questions you’ll never be able to answer.

This isn’t to mention how much being a fubu can mess with your self-esteem. That’s especially true if you’re the one who develops feelings.

I mean, if the guy loves you enough to call you a friend and is attracted enough to sleep with you, why aren’t you good enough to be his girlfriend? What’s the magic last straw that you’re missing?

It’s a million times more awkward when it’s over

THE beauty of most casual hookup routines is that you never have to see that person again after the relationship eventually fizzles. This is absolutely not the case with two people who were friends before they entered their deal as fubus.

Odds are, this person is in your group of friends. It’s not about if you’ll see him. You’re definitely going to see him.

The question is when (and the answer is probably tonight). No matter how “amicably” you ended things, one person’s heart will break all over again if you’re in the same room together. The other person will endure the agonizing guilt of making a friend feel that way. Simply put, it’s an awkward situation.

So better not hook up with your friends. Most of us would have time to pull this kind of relationship, we just have to pick the right one and we just need to make sure we can handle every single consequence we may encounter after. It’s all about you.

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