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MAN is a social being. Whether we are extroverts or introverts, the reality is we are predisposed to establish relationships. It is just a matter of choice on how large we want our friendship microcosm to be.
I’m a person of relationships. I relate. I “friend”. And I form lasting friendships. I have failed in many a relationship, whether platonic or romantic. But in taking risks in relating, I have been blessed with deep bonds with people who are genuine and nonutilitarian. Because of this, I view social and emotional development for children as important as cognitive skills. I hope to periodically share my continuous journey on relationships, and how I try to develop my kids’ social and emotional skills.
My relationships in school were quite diverse. I started in search for one best friend and being lucky enough to have found more than one great company. I started out to be more like “one of the boys,” because I was inclined to arm-wrestle them, although eventually, I learned what admiration meant. What was clear to me then was: “Friends Forever.” Friendship is being there for each other no matter what. And so I was there for my friends, whether it was for homework or some emotional issue. I would be scolded at home for being on the phone too much, or staying in school late to tutor my friends.
My mother warned me then that if my grades slipped in any quarter, I would be banned from using the phone. Luckily, I was able to maintain my grades. An even greater reward was that I built such deep friendships that, even if I don’t talk to them for years, we’d still be able to catch up so quickly today as if we were still in school.
I had many kinds of relationships in school. I remember always wanting to have a brother. Because of this, I had more friends who were boys. I was lucky to have this guy friend who had been my classmate since nursery. He would help me carry my bags and in school projects. I would try to help him get closer to girls. Our ritual was to eat at Wendy’s after that last day of our periodical exam. Even when he transferred for high school, we kept in touch and were even prom dates. We entered the same course in college. Of course, when tragedy comes our way, or a melancholic day unfolds before us, we know we are just a phone call away. We actually saw each other just a few weeks ago. I share these stories with my kids to show them how friendships give comfort.
But I also always tell them that building friendships takes genuine effort and attitude. So how does social development start for kids?
Below is a grid of social-development milestones that you may observe from your child:
- 0 to 3 months: Smiles at sound of parent’s voice; eyes move around as they follow you walking
- 4 to 6 months: Smiles at other people; responds to own name
- 6 to 12 months: Fear of strangers; imitate people; follow simple requests
- 12 to 18 months: Do things for attention; seeks reaction
- 18 to 24 months: Learns to share; learns to take turns; imitate through role play
- 3 years: Make-believe stage
- 4 years: Make friends more actively
- 5 years: Plays with friends
- 6 to 8 years: Starts forming opinions of positive and negative feelings. The grid above is not meant to gauge your kids as more “socially skilled.” Instead, I always use it to get to know my child more.
From these milestones, I observed how my daughter started out being so afraid of strangers to now running for class office.
Through creating activities related to the milestones above, I realized that it was not about the fear of being with a lot of people; it was about trust and trying new things.
My son prefers to stay with one friend in school. He is a focused person who can play with his toys or coloring materials for hours on his own. He was an extremely shy person up to age 5. So I researched on his “relaxed” state. I observed that he loved to sing while he was playing. I took a chance and enrolled him in voice class. That physical exercise actually became a social breakthrough. He started to talk more, and we reinforced this by encouraging him tell his stories during mealtimes. Now, he has overcome his shyness, and even wants to join contests and do solo performances in school.
These small steps are fundamental building blocks to a kid’s “social” future. Through these milestones, they develop a sense of identity, then slowly reach out to a bigger world.
I try hard to develop their confidence with much hugs and kisses of security, but I also constantly push them to unfamiliar social grounds.
Relating truly creates a resounding world that continuously opens us up to new experiences. But we need to prepare for the process. There are mixed experiences of abandonment, diversity, acceptance, dependability, deceit and genuine support. So the decision is critical and the heart must be open. I hope to prepare my kids to be bold enough to take the risk of relating, with both openness and self-identity. And, hopefully, see how relationships form great support systems, and provide a daily opportunity to experience gratitude.
***For feedback or inquiries, e-mail mommynolimits@gmail.com.