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A LOT of us grew up when our parents’ words were “nonnegotiables.” Corporal punishment was the norm and physical affection, especially from our fathers, was close to nil. So, as parents today, we try another route. We allow more freedom. We listen to their opinion. We hug and kiss our kids a lot more.
The result for me is having kids with strong opinions and a strong sense that home is a place where they can be themselves. I have been wary of fostering an “everything is OK” atmosphere and them showing their real selves outside of our home. Having said that, I have my constant struggles with my kids’ capacity to be headstrong.
So, the question of authority in the home: How much or how little authority are we supposed to impose on our kids?
After 10 years, and still learning, below are my “Eureka!” moments in finding the balance of authority and freedom:
- Know or be prepared for your child’s persistence level. How? Remember how you were as a child. I read in a book the probability of passing your persistence level to your child is there. So a good reflection on what methods worked for you could be a good guide.
- Differentiate “must-do’s” from opinions. For example, it is a must-do to take a shower and brush your teeth vs. choosing what color of shirt your child wants to wear. Having said that, my husband brings up an important point of not asking your kids opinion too much. For example, always asking where to eat during weekends. Kids must understand it can’t be their choice all the time.
- Set clear rules for these “must-do’s” and don’t budge. The minute kids know they can negotiate out of these rules, I think they will even be better than Nieves Confesor in negotiation.
What is interesting to know from the book of Mary Sheedy Kurcinka that the more persistent children actually see rules as a sign of parental affection. When I recently imposed a one-hour-only time for all gadgets, including TV, in the morning and another hour in the afternoon, I thought my son would go ballistic. Instead, in our family meeting, he agreed. Now, he has this kitchen timer with him which he gladly sets to his given minutes, and he actually knows how to save time and not use his minutes all at once.
- Kids must know “real” consequences. When my son was 2, I was lucky one of my neighbors, Steph, lent me this book titled Dare to Discipline. From this book, I learned how important it is for kids to recognize authority.
Why? Because it actually affects their learning, especially when they go to school. If our kids do not listen to us as parents, then they will see no reason to listen to their teachers. If they do not listen to their teachers, then they shortchange themselves of the whole school learning process.
So, I remember that time when my son was being disobedient at 2 years old, I actually followed through with my threat. Now that he’s 6, he knows I am serious when I lay out a consequence.
- There is a need for that “super strict” figure at home. For us, that’s my husband. My kids go by his words. No questions asked. I also 100 percent stand by his decision or chosen consequence for the kids to reinforce this role.
My role is the parent who chats with them weekly about “life” and the one who listens to all their jokes and quirks.
- Last but not the least, kids must know that all our actions come from love and our genuine desire for them to have a better future. When we were growing up, meaning from 2 until high school, my dad literally never replied to us if we did not speak to him in Chinese. It was very frustrating, because once you start a conversation, he insisted he could not understand us. His heritage and his belief that the Chinese language is important to our future prevailed.
Today, I speak Fukien with ease and much pride.
This topic made me coin this term “parent leadership.” It made me realize being parents equate to being a good leader. In a company, the CEO leads a company to success with integrity, loyalty and longevity. As a parent, we are tasked to lead our kids to their own success in character, craft and transcendental contribution to society.
Therefore, the question is not “to discipline or not discipline?” but “lead or not lead?” Leadership calls for a strong sense of self, clear principles and rules, and, most important, the genuine desire to usher in the best future for our kids. With this long-term goal in mind, I believe parent leadership must be seen as a necessity than a choice. After all, how we are as parents bears great significance to our kids’ way of parenting in the future.
For inquiries and comments, e-mail mommynolimits@gmail.com.