MOTHERHOOD involves a lot of patience, hard work, motivation and love. There is an almost mysterious Herculean energy we all need just to keep up. For some, motherhood comes naturally. For others, it takes a bit more. For me, I view it as a stroll where I constantly find my rhythm, pick up advice along the way, and just do my best without worrying too much of the outcome.
For this, I believe we need both our “soft” and “hard” sides—and the “soft” comes first. I will tackle the “hard” aspects in my next article.
For me, a good start to motherhood is having as much inspiration as you want for different aspects of parenthood. And this doesn’t mean just looking up moms with successful kids. It is more like putting together a treasure trove of motivation ahead of time so that you will always be fueled to love the most important job you will ever have.
Try to dig deep into memories of your own childhood. You can look at the people who raised you or helped you. If you didn’t have a particularly happy childhood, try to remember relatives, teachers or even family friends who showed you unconditional love.
I will share with you one of the persons who inspire me every day to be a happy mother: my nanny, Manang Eyang.
Manang Eyang and I had great adventures. If I had a star that day, she would buy me a treat. When there was no driver to pick me up, we would ride the jeepney to go home. There were times when we had no extra money to buy chips, so we would decide to just walk from school to home. It was fun.
More than fun, Manang Eyang taught me to trust and fight. When I was in nursery, I would get teased a lot by boys. She would always tell me in our local language that if some boy teased me, I should fight him. And so I did. I became known as a tough girl who could arm wrestle even the biggest boy in class.
After I came home from school, it would be the most fun afternoon. Since she was my family’s labandera (laundry woman), I would wash clothes with her. That’s why I know that if you hand wash, you need to rinse the clothes thrice.
If they are delicate clothes, don’t wring them, just rinse and then hang them straight, and let the water drip. On the days she ironed, she explain to me how to first spray water and then iron the small parts first, like the collar, the sleeves before going to the larger portions of the clothing.
She was a great teacher. When we did chores like washing the windows or sweeping the floor, she would always have a method, and I followed her methods. In many ways, because I was a sensitive child, she became that voice that always believed I was special, no matter what people said. I remember the saddest moments in my young life were when Manang had to go home to her province. I would sit at the steps, which had a window view to the gate, and watch Manang walk pass the gate, and I would cry quietly because I knew that I should not be selfish with her. I also learned a lot from her life. Manang was a spinster but she had more people who loved her because she was truly a giving person. She cared for her parents and her siblings. Even if she had nothing left, she would still find ways to help her brother and her nieces and nephews.
When she got sick in 2009, she went home to her province. We thought it was only for a checkup, but it turned out that she had cancer, which had already spread throughout her body. I would call her regularly to ask how she was doing, and I would cry each time, because I was so afraid of losing her. Finally, after her birthday, I told her that I was planning to visit her that weekend. I told her, “I love you, Manang,” and she even replied, “I love you, too.”
But the next day, her niece called to say that Manang had passed away. The news came as a shock, because her voice sounded so strong only the day before. Her niece told me they were all surprised at how she still managed to talk to me and sound like she hadn’t a care in the world, since for much of her sickness, she would just lay in bed in utter silence. It was an incredibly sad day in my life. I was six months’ pregnant at the time, so my mom advised me not to attend her funeral, because it was not good for pregnant people to be exposed to spirits. But Manang Eyang had no children and she was family to me, so I went and I said my good-bye to her. I promised her that I would always be strong, because this was what she taught me.
When my son was born, I decided to make his second name Victor in honor of my nanny’s name: Victoria de la Cruz. I wanted Manang’s legacy to transcend her death, because her goodness and her strength are remarkable. Every year my husband drives our family to Pangasinan, where we say thank you to my beloved Manang.
It might seem a quicker way to just jump in to concrete tips and finish a to-do list. But the reality is that our soft side allows us to be aware of definitive feelings we would like to impart to our children. Instead of a list of achievements we hope our children might reach, try to list down the people who have made an impact on your life and list the feelings they stirred in you. This list of values will be a good starting point for my next tip.
***E-mail comments and suggestions to mommynolimits@gmail.com.