A few weeks ago, my wife was emotionally riled up because she did not like the tone of the comment made by a relative on FB Messenger who apparently got offended by her latest postings. I wasn’t at all surprised by the turn of events because my wife can be sometimes too blunt, opinionated and verbose when expressing herself.
Since it happened much too often, my advice was for her to abstain from the chat group for a while, take a break and who knows she might even be missed.
Unfortunately, it’s not possible to exit from a group without notifying other members. One option is by muting the chat instead. When you mute the group, other members won’t get notifications about it, but you need to remember that they still can see what messages you’ve opened and seen.
The option “leave the conversation” is more conspicuous because everyone sees the text notification: so and so left the conversation. Ouch! It can be hurtful to the creator of the chat group or to the person who started the conversation.
This happened to my wife when she was soliciting donations for a close family relative who was confined in a hospital. She tagged a few specially selected relatives and friends. In the middle of the long thread, someone abruptly “left the conversation.” The timing was unfortunate because it appeared that the said person was unsympathetic or probably vexed for being tagged without her consent or had enough of the whole crowd-sourcing thing.
Maybe she had good reasons for pulling out. But when a member leaves the chat group without an explanation, it inadvertently sends a negative message.
The more graceful way to exit from a chat group is to announce it and explain your reason as honestly and as clearly as you can. Something along the lines of “I want to hibernate for a while to prepare for a major task” or “I’m emotionally down at the moment so I’ve decided it’s best for me to leave this chat.”
You can be courteous or civil in your explanation but I believe you can also be frank when you feel the direction or the tenor of conversations in the chat group is becoming more offensive or distasteful. Just say so and make your exit, without feeling any shame or guilt. Or you can just leave without any explanation, which in itself is a statement.
Anyway, I am happy to pick up these new words now and then from digital natives.
The phrase “leaving the conversation” has actually been my personal approach to living a simple life.
In my younger days, I would silently disappear in the middle of drinking sessions with friends and colleagues. Most of them were to me a waste of time and money (which I could hardly afford to do as a struggling employee). After a few drinks I excuse myself to go to the comfort room but when no one is looking, I would make my way to the door. My sudden absence wouldn’t even be noticed because everyone in the group would be tipsy by then.
During long interminable brainstorming meetings, when the discussions were going nowhere, I would surreptitiously leave earlier and work alone at my desk. Those sessions were fruitless and unproductive because somehow, someone would grandstand and dominate the “conversation” to show his creative brilliance and get the credit for coming up with the idea.
Even now, when I attend lectures or conferences, my default seat is in the last row, near the exit. That way, I could easily leave without being noticed, if I found the activity boring or there’s nothing new or substantial enough to invest my time on.
No wonder I became notorious for my disappearing acts and tagged as the “great escape artist” by friends.
But the more I soak myself with the insights of the true sages and spiritual leaders and the farther I expand my knowledge on human nature, the more I realize I am on the right path.
Especially in these last years of my life, I am striving to be a “social minimalist,” which is another new phrase I picked up recently.
Said in another way, I am seriously trying to “leave the conversation” one friend and acquaintance at a time. I am paring down my list of active social connections to the meaningful, substantial minimum.
This is in some way a variation of a trending phenomenon called “quiet quitting.” In a relationship, “quiet quitting” means you stop exerting the energy, emotion, or investment in the future that you previously put into the relationship. It can be beneficial because it provides more time for a person to pursue his or her passion projects.
As it is, my social circle is becoming smaller and smaller. I am now more forthright in saying no to invitations to meet-up. My schedule of appointments is as clear as my lungs. Except for visits to the doctor for the regular quarterly check-ups and diagnostic tests.
But in cutting connections won’t I end up without friends? Won’t I feel isolated?
More to the point is the title of an interesting article on social minimalism in the web magazine “Einzelganger” (19/05/2022)—“Can we be Happy without Friends?”
The article elaborates: “…many consider living with a few or without friends unhealthy and painful. Being friendless deprives us of the benefits of a social group. So, is a lack of friends synonymous with a dreadful existence of loneliness and social isolation?”
Not so. On the contrary, I am enjoying a more peaceful, less stressful, quieter life nowadays. I’m not missing the old-fashioned face-to-face interaction at all.
In the final analysis, leaving the conversation is not being an isolationist or being a-social. It’s really not about other people. As the article says: “It’s about getting into alignment with your true self; with your intentions and goals and values. What matters most to you? How can you spend your time in accordance with those priorities?”
As senior citizens, we are given a bonus time of 10 or maximum of 20 years. Why not spend this bonus time having a quality conversation with your inner self? You are your most valuable friend.
With a smaller circle of carefully selected friends who will value your time, honor your cherished privacy, and preserve your priceless energy, there will be less distractions and minimized dissipations.
The people who are on the same frequency with you will serve to be the wind beneath your wings to lift you up to a more fulfilling level.
So, to the question “will I be happier by ending up with less friends?” Why not, if that means I’ll be going on an upward spiral!
Think about it. Then click on that option to notify obnoxious friends: “Left the conversation.”