HOW often do you find yourself thinking how wonderful life would be if people woke up in the morning and resolved to be kinder, friendlier and more courteous? In the real world out there, however, you will more likely encounter rude or ill-mannered beings everywhere—in your office or neighborhood, but mostly in public places—as you go about your personal and professional lives.
This explains why I have been receiving some questions lately about specific situations where people find themselves in, like how do we answer awkward questions or what must we do when faced with people who are boorish or discourteous or simply insensitive?
For this issue, I would like to present three episodes that were related to me by Margie Logarta, a dear journalist-friend who travels a lot for business and leisure. I would like to thank her for sharing her personal experiences and for asking my opinion as the author of Pinoy Manners (2016). I hope we can all learn from these situations.
Upon arrival from a trip recently, I was fetched from the plane in a wheelchair—as most passengers of senior age are—and was properly positioned behind the yellow line at the baggage carousel to await my luggage. Suddenly, a young woman stood right in front of me with her trolley blocking my view of the carousel. I thought it was very rude and insensitive of her. I wanted to call her out, but decided against it because I was seated in a wheelchair and could not very well tap her shoulder. What should I have done to assert my right without appearing hostile or sounding annoyed?
Dear Margie:
This is a common scenario in airports where newly arrived passengers are usually in a rush and fail to observe simple courtesy. It is best to remain patient in such encounters, but if you feel your space is indeed being violated (especially when you are a senior citizen in a wheelchair), you may call the person’s attention and calmly, but firmly tell her something like this: “Excuse me, young lady. I was placed here by my wheelchair handler so I can see and point out my luggage, but I’m afraid you are blocking my view. I hope you don’t mind moving a little bit? Thank you.”
If you can manage to say this with a smile, I believe the errant party would readily realize her mistake and rectify it.
I have worked many years abroad and now that I’m back in the Philippines, I’ve noticed that whenever a lady is seen dining alone in a restaurant, some people, including the wait staff, assume that something is amiss. I know it’s a way of “caring” or showing kindness, but questions like “Oh, why are you eating alone? Is something wrong?” and “Madam, is everything all right? Do you need anything?” can make the object of concern feel awkward or uncomfortable.
Dear Margie:
A woman dining alone has become an increasingly common sight in cosmopolitan cities all over the world, but strangely enough, some people in this country find this odd and—out of a feeling of goodwill or a misplaced sense of concern—believe it would be a nice gesture to invite this lady to join them at their table.
My personal opinion is that this “show of concern” is a positive aspect of our Filipino culture, but this comes as a surprise to many people, especially women foreign visitors. Perhaps the latter must be “warned” about the over-solicitousness of local people so they won’t get turned off by the unwanted attention.
I would thus advise women who relish dining alone occasionally to simply bring a book, document or gadget to read. I believe this will send the “signal” to everyone that you are perfectly fine with dining unescorted. If someone doesn’t get it, just smile and say, “I’m comfortable with dining alone, thank you.” To a wait staff or the headwaiter, politely say, “I’ll just call you if I need anything. Thank you.”
Still, there are restaurants or places where guests and properly trained wait staff are discreet and will respect your space. Just don’t expect discretion in a Filipino home-style restaurant setting where the owners and the crew—and even other diners sometimes—like to check out everyone else in the place.
Not incidentally, some foreign guests appreciate the warm and hospitable nature of Filipinos, which is really what the issue is all about. It could be best for you to let that cultural practice be or avoid places where it may happen.
I was in a queue at the cashier of a store in a high-end mall when this elderly Pinay carrying a basket started browsing at the stuff near my counter, ostensibly showing interest in the merchandise. But as I watched her movements, she swiftly, but casually went behind the person who was already paying, effectively cutting everybody else in the line. My fault was that I was too stunned by her act and so were the rest of us in line. We let her get away with her rude behavior, but shouldn’t we have called her attention to it?
Dear Margie:
Yes, cutting into a queue is one extremely irritating habit of some Filipinos and our Asian neighbors who cannot seem to wait for their turn. I personally experienced an episode like this many years back when I was patiently waiting for the ticket office to open for a special preview of a blockbuster movie to which supposedly VIPs were invited.
The lines had become quite long and there were maybe 10 to 12 people in front of us when a woman came and went straight to the front, stealthily cutting into the line without so much as an “Excuse me” to people who were awaiting their turn.
I was about to say, “Lady, excuse me, but there’s a long line here!” when I recognized who she was. She was a former boss of mine who occupied a respectable position in my old company. I refrained from calling her out and watched intently as she persisted in squeezing herself into the front of the line, ignoring the dagger looks of the people she cut.
I am now recounting this incident because we often need to think twice about embarrassing even rude people and, more important, be wary of how an act of aggression will make us look in public.
Must we fight fire with fire or handle rude behavior with as much grace and civility as we can summon, setting a fine example to people witnessing our behavior? I chose not to call out my former boss’s behavior because believe it or not, I still had respect for her and, in that particular instance, everyone else in the queue seemed willing to let it go.
Going back to your encounter with this elderly woman who breached a queue: Did you strongly feel that her misbehavior should have been called out as a matter of principle? If so, you should have invoked that common rule of good manners about getting into line and politely called her attention to it.
That would have set a good example to those around you, and likewise proved that there is a positive way of correcting people who misbehave.
PR Matters is a roundtable column by members of the local chapter of the United Kingdom-based International Public Relations Association (Ipra), the world’s premier association for senior communications professionals around the world. Joy Lumawig-Buensalido is the president and CEO of Buensalido & Associates Public Relations.
PR Matters is devoting a special column each month to answer our readers’ questions about public relations. Please send your questions or comments to askipraphil@gmail.com.