‘THIS is the time of year when all sorts of advice is writing about hangovers.”
This line sums up the first words uttered to me by Mike Royko by way of the first collection of his column, “Sez Who? Sez Me,” that I ever laid my eyes on.
After suffering a hundred bouts with terrible hangovers, I thought I finally found someone who understood the morning-after affliction of young sports writers who extended the night’s basketball coverage into some beer joints till closing time.
The more I was encouraged when, scanning the book’s introduction, I caught a line by Studs Turkel, another outstanding American writer of their generation, who wrote that Royko “may be, pound for pound, the best all-around columnist on the premises. In the country, that is.”
Royko’s definition of a hangover is sobering enough, and leaves little doubt about what you did the previous night. “It is nature’s way of telling you that you got drunk.”
There is no way to completely avoid a hangover, he said, except for abstinence or moderation. But in this generation of excess, when virtually every drink on earth is on the supermarket shelf, who would want to be different? Maybe if you’re training for your last boxing bout like Manny Pacquiao, or plotting the last gasp of your last political campaign. Like some presidential bets I know, trying to ignite their near-basement ratings in opinion polls although they have been campaigning for that office for years.
But in this season, when the air is filled by Christmas carols, and poisoned by blatantly out-of-season political ads, can anyone help it?
Anyone can drink like a fish, but, of course, I am totally in agreement with the great columnist that there are “certain rules, that, if followed, will ease the discomfort.”
I have developed my own views, but let’s listen to my senior first.
First is to “stick with the same drink you started with.” If you started the evening drinking champagne, beer and frozen daiquiris, “stick with the champagne, beer and frozen daiquiris the rest of the evening.”
It looked good, but the second even sounded better. “Be careful what you eat, particularly later into the night,” he wrote. “Especially avoid eating napkins, paper plates and pizza boards.”
Even if one followed these rules, one will still have a hangover. “So the question is,” wrote Royko, “how to get through it with a minimum of agony.”
A hangover is part physical, marked usually by a “throbbing pain in the head, behind the eyes, back of the neck and in the stomach,” he wrote. “You might also have pain in the arms, legs, knees, elbows, chin and elsewhere, depending upon how much leaping, careening, flailing and falling you did.”
“Moaning helps. It doesn’t ease the pain, but it lets you know that someone cares, even if it is only you. Moaning also lets you know that you are still alive,” he wrote.
A hangover’s discomfort is part psychological, he asserted. “When you awaken, you will be filled with a deep sense of shame, guilt, disgust, embarrassment, humiliation and self-loathing…. This is perfectly normal, understandable and deserved.”
Your thoughts should only be about the pleasant things before you blacked out: how you walked into a party, said hello to everyone and shook hands. Block out your blackest memory: about how you wrapped your arms around the toilet, or slept a bit in the bathroom while a line outside the toilet began to grow long.
Now from my bag of remedies I share some on easing a hangover.
My theory is alcohol, whether it is beer, champagne, scotch, vodka, brandy, cognac, or tequila, dehydrates, and deprives your body of the essential fluids to function normally. It is dehydration that induces the painful throbbing, or the feeling of fainting, of not being able to get up and walk steadily on your two legs.
The trick is this. Drink plenty of water to wash down the alcohol, and if you have the budget, buy a 1.5-liter energy drink (like Gatorade, Powerade) and consume half a bottle, because it will replenish quickly your depleted body fluids, including potassium for the heart, and its sodium content will keep the fluids longer in your bloodstream.
Filch a banana in your ref before you go to bed. It will ease the pain in your stomach when you wake up.
Get at least eight hours of sleep. If you feel like grabbing a meal when you wake up, get food that’s not oily and acidic. Either will leave you feeling more sick. And eat only sparingly.
Don’t get up and try to exercise. Exercise, contrary to some conventional wisdom, will only exacerbate your condition. You might even get a coronary. Rest is your best friend at this time.
To ease your headache, or distract your mind from the throbbing, try to dredge up some funny memories. Try to laugh at your own funny moments, or those of your friends. One of those immortal moments happened to me in the toilet. A sign hung above the urinal: “Everybody can piss on the floor. Be a hero. Piss in the ceiling!”
If you are the type who loves to drop anything in your stomach after 12 midnight, this column is not for you.
You might probably know more than I do.