A WEEK before Christmas, I had dinner with two very unique individuals: Cristina Concepcion and Bing Tan. Cristina, a pioneer in the Philippine finance, accounting and human-resource outsourcing industry, had impressed in me the true meaning of putting substance in her craft. Bing, a force of his own as the mind behind many business software solutions, literally was my very first friend since we were in nursery in Saint Jude.
Bing and I were classmates every single year until he moved to another high school. I was his prom date. We took the same undergraduate course. We had our rituals like walking to Wendy’s in Nagtahan after exams. We had our misunderstandings. We were there for each other especially for the emotional roller-coaster rides. Hence, when he gives me a “reading,” I listen.
The day after our dinner, he revealed to me his thoughts on how driven I was but advised me to learn from Cristina how to be more “unapologetic.” This thought lingered with me throughout the entire holiday break.
I realized my “apology” started the day I was born. I learned my mother had a miscarriage before me, and the baby was supposed to be a boy. So, when I turned out to be a girl, I was left in the nursery for almost a year. I was also different in many ways. From physical attributes to not being the typical honor student who stuck with their brood or read tons of books, and to being a third-born, I always felt lost in the face of my own family’s expectations.
My reaction in our family was always to remold, love more and be “totally” useful. But when I stepped out in school or other arenas, I felt the right to breathe. I felt I could rightfully achieve. This was no one’s fault. It was my choice.
The preceding paragraphs are informed by deep experiences and emotions, involving multiple personalities. It is not yet the time to share. What matters most today, as 2020 opens, is that I choose to relinquish this apology. I remember the words from a journal entry last September 2014 at The Lanson Place in Shanghai, titled “Fascinations Realizations….”
“God is very good to me. I need to see these sudden bursts of realities as transitions to better tomorrows. You always think you are meant for something and then God brings you to a world so much bigger than what you think you can conquer…and the surprising thing is you actually conquer it.
“This is no different. You need to embrace this free time for something new and something for yourself. You deserve to work for what is important to you in an environment that respects the person that you are.
“I choose to skip the drama of the ‘whys’ and the ‘how could yous’. The pain seems to be irrelevant. You learn to say, ‘What the hell?’ and then say, ‘Hmmm…what’s the opportunity?’ It is no longer about personalities. It is and will always be about your choices. Even if it seems that you have been duped or taken advantage of, try hard to look at the situation and not judge the person who did it. Know that the situation brings a message and that the personality is insignificant.”
Today, I know my worth and I know where I stand. I stand not above or below any person or circumstance. I stand at my own chosen eye level… fully present, fully self-actualizing and fully loving.
I appreciate finally choosing the will for my joie de vivre. In the book Bonjour, Happiness! Secrets to Finding Your Joie de Vivre by Jamie Cat Callan, “joy of life” is about loving life, loving people, loving to be alive and trusting that nothing happens without a reason. It is about accepting what’s in your life in the moment and feeling contented inside. Below is my poem on my “unapology:”
The price of untimely goodbyes…
is the wholeness of one’s vision.
Is it a sacrifice?
or is it a gift?
Live only the moment
when the moment allows to live.
Joie de Vivre stays
when Joie de Vivre is chosen to stay.
Let the feeling flutter
So you remember…
Remember the date
Remember who saved.
Today we know what we know
And chose what we chose.
No regrets…only faith in tomorrow
and faith in ourselves.
I hope for all of you that you may also start the year with thoughts on how to “unapologize.” Think about answering these questions:
- What do you really want to feel?
- What environment do you really want to be in?
- What activities would let you achieve this feeling and where for yourself?
- What is your time line?
- What activities will you forego?
Some people have “everything” and choose to love nothing, while some people have lost so much or even their full capacity to physically live but manage to humor life. The dichotomy is worth pondering—that happiness is a choice and not a fatal destiny.
Happy New Year, everyone.
