Writing the first two parts of this series made me reflect on what sibling success is for me. Does it only mean sibling success in terms of career? Can sibling harmony exist side by side with sibling success?
For me, the parents’ perspective and the choices they make set the pace. There are parents who value individual success over sibling harmony and vice versa. There are siblings who grow up to be successful with a “win at all cost” drive, but end up never speaking to each other. On the other end, you have siblings who sacrifice their dreams to give way to family harmony. Parents need to choose a starting point in the face of these realities.
Below are the guides I live by in my attempt to foster “sibling success” in my family:
- Respect individuality. Our kids are individuals first. We need to recognize early on that each of our children will be unique. I look at researched milestones rather than saying Meagan could already talk by this age, so Marcus should, as well. Also, respect their individual futures. I grew up in my parents’ master plan that had all of us working in the company. Our skills were honed based on our business’s organizational structure. It limited our arenas and caused major conflicts.
School also plays an instrumental role. Many teachers love to compare siblings in school. My youngest sister had it worst. She was compared to all of us. When my kids were studying in the same school, I made the decision not to tell Marcus’s teacher that Meagan was his sister. When the time came that Meagan had to move schools, I actually saw Marcus do better. Personally, I think he now feels he now has his own stage to shine.
- Hierarchy is overrated. When I had kids of my own, I told myself that regardless of hierarchy, ability or natural affinity to any parent, each will be given equal opportunity to be happy and fulfilled. Each would have an equal voice because their value comes from love, and not from any parental or societal score card.
I was very conscious that when my son was still a baby, I taught my daughter to respect her baby brother’s things. Even when my son was still in the crib, and my firstborn wanted to borrow a toy of his, my daughter needed to ask permission from his baby brother, even though he could barely speak at the time. A lot of us were born in an era where the eldest were treated differently, both in positive and negative ways. It’s either they were too spoiled, and became entitled; they were given too much responsibility, and became self-sacrificing; or they were prematurely “anointed”, even when they lack leadership capabilities.
Much of my own family issues and the stories that have been shared to me reflect this problem. There was too much weight given to the eldest that ended up with varying results. We saw the eldest cracking under pressure and retreating in his or her own world. We saw the eldest so empowered that getting more than their fair share, or even everything, was glossed over. We also saw the eldest sacrificing their own lives to ensure all the siblings were okay.
For me, individuality is important. Age is a number, not a box of expectations. Middle children shouldn’t be reduced as “expected followers”. They can be as good as, or even better than, the eldest—and there’s nothing wrong with that.
The youngest shouldn’t be a fixture of delight that expectations are lowered too much leading to the lack of ambition.
- Instead of competition, try commensalism. I try to foster an environment where we jointly celebrate success and jointly handle issues. When it’s report-card distribution, we all celebrate together with a pizza, regardless if one got a better grade than the other. When Marcus had problems in Filipino, we met as a family for us to speak with him in Tagalog more. When Meagan had impatience issues, I spoke to Marcus separately to be a good example to her. On my bedroom door, I post many of their works. I put their kind notes, their drawings and photos of their performances in school. I want them to see there is “familial” appreciation for many things beyond academic achievement.
- Love genuinely and unconditionally. A lot of kids equate their parents’ love with achievement. There are parents who are quite explicit with this. But even if we don’t believe this, sometimes actions may lead our kids to this conclusion. This is a hard task. How do we show them unconditional love without lowering their grit and drive? This is reserved for a future topic.
Today my kids are 10 and 7, and slowly I see how they grow up to be individuals with a core. Each recognizes they want to be achievers. Whether being an expert in Pokémon or doing the best in school, they compete in their own arena, not with their sibling.
I always believe that parenting and the child’s will combine to play a pivotal role in achieving fulfillment in life. As Gina Rodriguez says, “You cannot reach a goal unless you set that goal for yourself.” In conclusion, sibling success for me is each sibling’s accountability to oneself, while knowing there is a loving family constantly rooting for his or her success.