There are seniors who find it challenging to come to terms with their age. Acknowledging this reality is often more difficult than simply stating it.
I have an elderly friend whom I will call here as T. who vehemently resists being labeled as a “senior citizen.” He prefers to be called something like “golden ager.” When I suggested the more euphemistic term “third ager,” he gladly pounced on it and appropriated it for himself. He never divulges his exact age. He hates to see old people using a cane.
His hair is thinning at the top but you won’t glimpse a single strand of gray or white hair on his head, which his personal barber meticulously and regularly dabs jet black, including his eyebrows. Oh, by the way, he really hates my white hair, as if he can’t bear to look at it. Perhaps it is a vexing reminder of the true color of his slowly vanishing hair.
One time while we were having coffee, we saw a male friend of his, also a senior, who was walking by in a slow slip-sliding way. T. secretly made fun of him, telling everyone within earshot “uso pa ba ang sayaw na shuffle?” (Is the dance “shuffle” still in vogue?).
I just hold my peace every time he makes rude and caustic remarks about his fellow seniors. They are nothing but nasty “poseuring.”
Seniors like my friend T. are ashamed to be considered old. They hate to be called old. They have not resigned to being old. That’s why they belittle their fellow seniors, especially those who look and act old and frail or those who have aged badly. T. is most happy when people flatter him saying he’s still dashing and young-looking, even if everyone else knows he’s just being buttered up. Instead of accepting the reality that he is now a full-fledged senior citizen, he prefers to cling to illusions of physical youth, making him dependent on the validation of others.
It has something to do with vanity or even narcissism. Vanity is what makes elderly matrons embarrassed to be seen sporting white hair. At 60, they frantically look for a solution, rushing out to buy the latest miracle cure against aging.
What’s that old idiomatic term for overly ripe seniors pretending to look youthful? “Nagmumurang kamatis?” Many times, I cringe when I see elderly women with jet-black hair while their faces are already all wrinkled. Incongruous and laughable. Women who have the money for face lifts and propping up their bosoms are the reason why the cosmetic surgery business is thriving.
On the other hand, late-blooming Don Juans in their 70s also spend a lot of money keeping up with their young trophy girlfriends, trying to close the gap in appearance and physical vigor. They used to be called “sugar daddies” but now the term is “walking ATMs” if you get the drift.
If it’s just a case of denial or vanity, it will soon pass. But what worries me more is a syndrome called “self-hatred.”
This is a psychological condition in which someone from a particular demographic identifies more with an ideology or movement that’s not in their interest. Take the case of a certain black person who joins a political group that espouses white supremacy and becomes more rabid in his rhetoric than white bigots. Then there is the case of politicians, second generation Latino immigrants who have changed their names to sound more “American” and are now pushing extremely inhumane anti-immigrant laws against people of their own ethnic race.
In the case of some seniors, self-hatred is employed as a defense mechanism to protect themselves because they think they are vulnerable in a youth-centric society. Being called “old” can sound mean and hurtful in some circles and on occasion. It can bring with it a loss of identity, status, self-confidence, and financial security and it also imposes physical limitations on what an old person can do.
This is why T., my friend whom I described earlier is so obsessed with being regarded as youthful. It would enable him to maintain his “marketability.” Even in late age, he has not stopped angling to secure high positions in government as well as eyeing to bag big projects. His greatest fear, and the last thing he wants is to be considered as “has been.” This is why he loves to belittle the elderly by way of jokes about them. He seldom flaunts his senior discount card when he hosts a meeting in a cafe or dining inn.
The fault begins in fact in the family. Picture a family member who likes to make subtle jabs like, “We don’t expect you to keep up with us.” My wife bristles when we tell her she can’t go to this place or that place because she won’t be able to take it. If you’re an older adult, this kind of dismissive language can make you feel humiliated, frustrated, and undervalued, looked down upon and at times, pitied.
I’ve experienced being treated as a child, or too weak and frail. What is most irritating is when family members insist on handling my physical tasks and errands, even when I have no trouble doing them myself. This creates a sense of self-doubt and an overall negative perception of myself. I must confess that I sometimes feel a kind of self-hatred for being a senior.
However, this can lead down a dark path of self-loathing.
Before that happens, there is a need to transform our self-hatred into a healthy relationship with our old selves.
The truth is, it’s hard to shake negative self-perceptions about being a senior if you’re focused on losses rather than opportunities. The only way is to overcome negative messages by choosing to focus on the upsides.
With my friend T., I point to him that having white hair is not necessarily a liability. It makes one more dignified looking. In subtle ways, I’ve been trying to get across the message that aging isn’t just about loss. I tell him there are ways to make one become “marketable” and in demand using maturity as a value-added asset.
Once I gave him a copy of my article entitled “Gold, not old.” He just scoffed but I’m sure he secretly read it.
Someone sent me this message: you can deny it, you can hide it, you can cover it, but there’s one thing you cannot do about aging: stop it.
Since no one can stop time, it’s better to spend the rest of your life being at peace with getting older. It’s unproductive to hate your senior self. Accept and embrace him, white hair, wrinkles and all. They are synonymous with wisdom and experience. They bring out your beautiful personality. So do away with your money-draining vanity trips to the barbershop, beauty parlor, and cosmetic surgery clinic.
Instead of clinging to your “younger” years, look to the future and everything it has to offer. Let go of what other people think about you.
Loving your senior self more and more each day is the best gift you can give yourself.