There is no shortcut or a “magic formula” to the grieving process nor is there a linear timeframe when grieving is expected to end and allow healing to begin.
This is the hard truth that anyone who has lost a parent, a spouse, a child, a best friend or a close family member must take to heart.
In his talk on the topic “Lingap: Self-care in times of grief and loss” on October 23, Dr. Philson Manuel, grief counselor and psychotherapist, said there is no such timeline or a formula even in therapy.
Grief is an “intensely personal process” and that some people, he said, may take one month, one year or even 10 years to move on.
Organized by Aeternitas Chapels and Columbarium on Commonwealth Avenue in Quezon City, Manuel’s talk centered on how one can heal and recover from the painful experiences of grief that can affect overall wellness.
“Lingap [Compassionate caring],” he said, is about giving utmost value (“pagpapahalaga”), attention (“pag-aasikaso”), favor and protective care toward someone experiencing grief.
“Grief is a normal and appropriate response to an experience of loss and death of a loved one,” he said.
He said it is “a point of disorganization in one’s life” as the loss would mean the absence of a person’s physical presence.
“It is seemingly unnatural because life and living life is about breathing and liveliness, while death is the opposite of these,” he added.
As one grieves though, “the pain is somehow diminished,” he said in Filipino.
Manuel shared that losing a loved one affects the daily routine or day-to-day functioning of the bereaved.
“You can’t eat or you don’t want to take a bath. You want to isolate yourself and you don’t want to talk to people because you don’t have the energy to do it. These are normal experiences during grief,” he explained.
Overcoming fear
Grief can also bring about fear, he said, including the fear of losing oneself.
The loss of a partner can also lead to the fear of growing old alone, particularly when that partner used to be the center of one’s life.
Even the prospects of forgetting how the other person looks, the sound of his or her voice and that others might also forget him or her become frightening possibilities.
This fear could also lead to one avoiding certain places, doing old routines or engaging on anything connected with the other person because these might instigate a mental breakdown.
Manuel shared that the depth of one’s grief is influenced by the circumstances surrounding the loss, the quality of the relationship with the departed, the manner of death and other issues that had no closure.
Any unfinished business with the person, having regrets, or the nature of the death itself (terminal illness, accident, etc.) could complicate the grief experience.
“One should immediately seek help from a grief counselor or a therapist when the fear becomes overwhelming,” he advised.
Sharing one’s grief
Manuel said people need to talk about the elephant in the room—death—“because it is part of the typical human experience,” including the disorientation caused by the suddenness of or the circumstances of death.
“Let’s remove the stigma. It is normal that after a death in the family, you avoid talking about it at home. You don’t want to talk about it for fear you would all break down,” he said partly in Filipino.
While one needs to give space for each other, one also needs to check on each other, he said.
On the emotions associated with grief—denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance—or the stages based on the work of Swiss-American psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler Ross, he said the grief experience is more like an emotional rollercoaster than a linear process.
“We go through all them, but in reality, sometimes you have acceptance, then sadness sets in the next day,” he explained.
This is why grief counseling and grief work are important.
“Grief work entails the processing of loss through therapeutic conversation and encounter. Grief counseling can be a one-on-one encounter, a family setup or group processing,” he explained.
Modalities of art, dance, or movement can be incorporated in grief work, while emotions are identified and acknowledged in a safe space during grief counseling.
“Walking through one’s grief and encouraging the mourning person to talk about his or her emotions” could be one-on-one sessions or they may involve the whole family or a support group.
Though difficult, Manuel encouraged the grieving to share his or her story as it helps one realize he or she is not alone.
“The part of our brain that is activated when we talk to our loved ones is the same part that is activated when we pray to God,” he said.
Harnessing community support
“Going through grief and mourning may include a partnership with a community through sympathy (“pagdadamayan”) and solidarity (“pagkakaisa”),” Manuel said.
One can offer to help the family settle down, attend to their mourning ritual, and set up wake or chapel services that pay homage to their loved ones.
“There is psychology of space—the space where we move around impacts how we process our emotions,” he said.
He shared that a “sense of peace and serenity” are parts of the full range of services and hotel-like facilities of Aeternitas Chapels and Columbarium provide as its expressions of sympathy and solidarity with the bereaved family.
The Francisco family, led by its Chairman Rolando G. Francisco, has invested between P1.2 billion to P1.5 billion on the nine-story property on Commonwealth Avenue, Quezon City, beside St. Peter Parish Church, Aeternitas Marketing Director Hero B. Francisco said.
There is no loud piped-in music that disturbs the airy and warm ambience of its grand lobby. Instead, bird chirps complement the soothing lanai with its floor-to-ceiling waterwall feature and lush greenery.
Aeternitas helps calm the mourners’ spirit with its 13 well-thought-out chapels (14 more are in the works); butler service for personalized attention; a prayer room; a counseling room; in-room spa service; and a business center.
Construction on Aeternitas’ first mortuary building began in 2017, according to Francisco. Its offices opened in the first quarter this year, followed by a 24/7 convenience store concessionaire and its coffee shop, Café O’.
Francisco said chapel rates with a complete burial package start at P125,000, cremation packages range between P61,000 to P100,000, and columbary vaults are priced between P117,000 to P319,000.
Its premium chapels cost between P450,000 to P900,000—with terrace views of the Sierra Madre mountain range—can accommodate between 60 to 120 guests. Its 30-square-meter hotel-like family room is kept clean daily by housekeeping staff.
He added that young people are investing in their columbary vaults, which appreciate in value by 5 percent to 10 percent each year.
There are 45,000 columbary vaults on sale with those facing the Sierra Madre costing at least P200,000 each. Each vault can accommodate four to six urns.
Taking care of one’s self
As one moves onto a new chapter in his or her life with the passing of a loved one, it is important to take care of one’s self because of the responsibilities and roles that he or she still needs to fulfill.
“The death of a loved one is not the end, although it may feel as if it is,” Manuel said. “Do not be hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself.”
These self-care strategies can help while grieving:
Keep yourself healthy (physical). One may find it difficult to get adequate sleep, eat a balanced diet or engage in regular exercises, push yourself even if you are not motivated. Do small and manageable activities. Remember, if you are a parent, behavior modeling affects your children.
Grieve as long as it takes (mental). A grieving person could be anxious, sad, guilty, hopeless, or fearful—negative emotions leading to unhealthy thinking patterns, in turn, make the grieving worse than it already is. Cry if you have to when you miss the person you love.
Express your emotions. It is all right to be sad, lonely, confused or even angry, so express them rather than suppress them when your loss sinks in.
Make a “hinga-nalangin [breathing-prayer].” Breathing exercises can regulate depression symptoms. Do this for 5 minutes to 10 minutes after waking up or before sleeping. Silently say a prayer (“Lord, help”) when one inhales (Lord) through the nose for 3 seconds, hold for 3 seconds, and exhales (help) through one’s mouth.
Manuel—who also contributed a piece in the award-winning inspirational book, “This Season of Grief: Stories, Poetry, Prayers, and Practical Help,” that was published by OMF Literature—said that grieving may take a while because our love for our departed endures and perseveres.
Image credits: Rudy Liwanag, courtesy of Aeternitas Chapels and Columbarium