Many of us were shaken by the video in which a black man was kneed down hard by the police. And as he was gasping for air, we will never forget the three words the man kept saying over and over: “I can’t breathe!”
Recently, as I was clearing my shelf of old magazines, I came across this article about the shooting of Adrian Lyne’s Unfaithful, an adultery drama starring Richard Gere and Diane Lane.
The article revealed that in the shooting of one scene in an office in Manhattan, smoke was pumped into the room. This is a technique used to give a film more depth and warmth, making the colors more muted, although it’s undetectable to the viewer in the finished movie.
The smoke was killing everyone on the set and to confound it, the shooting often would go for up to 20 hours. In fact, it was so toxic that the actors brought with them oxygen bottles for quick fixes of fresh air. There was even a special doctor who was injecting people with antibiotics for bronchial infection. Talk about toxic work environment!
Equally undetectable is another toxic work atmosphere that I experienced when I worked in an ad agency. It was impressively housed in a very smart-looking office in the best business section of the city. The outside visitor would not be able to detect anything wrong about it. In fact my friends would gape at the sight of the sophisticated office.
But the truth was working there was so oppressive it was creatively suffocating for us. I would have anxiety pangs whenever I reported for work, and I felt as if I was gasping for fresh air. The heavy-handed style of management was so pervasive that the oxygen of creativity was sucked out. There was no air or space to breathe. Like the others before me, I had to get out. Fast.
A closed-minded boss can make the most creative person clamp up. One time I had a boss who already had his own idea in mind. Any idea that doesn’t fall within that framework, he would dismiss and toss out. This is sort of what experts call confirmation bias. It involves paying more attention to things that confirm our existing beliefs or ideas, while at the same time discounting evidence or alternative ideas that challenges what we think.
Pretty soon, we quickly found this weakness and exploited it and presented ideas that sucked up to his biased thinking. The “safe” ideas got faster approval but the creativity left the office but I lasted long because the salary paid the bills and kept the family afloat but I didn’t thrive creative wise.
It was only later on when I had the fortunate chance to work under an unconventional but enlightened creative boss. When we had no pressing assignments, he would tell us to go out, listen in to people in the streets and pick up some new word, see a movie, go to a museum or a bookstore but always keep the antenna attuned to an insight or creative triggers. A creative eureka moment can happen most likely in those open places than sitting inside an enclosed space.
When we would come back next day to bring our collected ideas on the table, our boss would be delighted to see everyone so juiced up with a cornucopia of ideas.
Creativity needs that space of open-minded acceptance so that ideas no matter how wild and crazy can be aired out and not repressed.
But even love or too much love can suffocate too. Take a step back and consider what you’re now doing as your child is attending an e-learning class. You get overly involved in her academic works. You constantly prompt and prod her. You provide too much help for her class project. You do for your child what she can actually do for herself.
When we parent this way, we deprive our kids of the opportunity to be creative, to problem solve, to develop coping skills, to build resilience, to figure out what makes them happy, to discover who they are.
This is why in our case, we are careful about imposing anything on our children. We allowed them to choose their respective careers. Our “current project” involves our youngest child, a slacker who has yet to find his own direction in life. We are now gently nudging him towards the type of work that fits his personality and aptitude. We know he is talented but he just seems unfit for work in a conventional corporate setting. We just hope he will find his own bliss.
But even in the most loving and caring relationship, one should be quick to sense when it becomes emotionally suffocating. This comes about when one or both partners is critical, overprotective, jealous, and/or has rigid beliefs and thinking.
An emotionally suffocating relationship can be really toxic. Fix it before it gets worse. Sometimes taking a break from each other can do a lot of good. It gives you time to be yourself, and to reflect and address your individual needs.
In our case, my wife and I have agreed to set boundaries. When I have to work she lets me alone. I encourage her to read and to write her thoughts and share them with her social-media friends. Her self-worth increases with the positive feedback she gets in return. That’s practicing self-care.
So whether at work or at home, one thing everybody needs is room to grow, to thrive, and express your thing. An environment where one can truly exclaim: “I can breathe!”
Once that is respected, the atmosphere becomes less and less toxic and healthier, emotionally or creatively.