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WE continue on the topic of “reality parenting” from last week:
It’s discerning and appreciating the community that cares enough to nurture your child. It can’t and should not isolate parenthood. We all want to be supermoms. We do everything in our power to give the best to our kids. I realized along the way that supermoms also need a “super” community. I grew up with my father’s family. I experienced how the great intentions of six persons are better than just two. My parents hoped for us to be good business people. My grand relatives hoped for us to love our culture and value hard work. My nanny hoped for me to be strong and happy. Then when I stepped out of our home, I found a community from school, extra-curricular activities and my closest family friends, all from whom I felt genuine care.
Today, my kids don’t enjoy this extended family setup. But I’m very fortunate to have a strong community that helps me nurture my children in various ways. From my dad, my sister, my in-laws to my lifelong friends, each of them know I value their role in my children’s lives.
I believe it is good to accept from the onset that we can’t parent our child alone. Aside from relieving ourselves from pressure, the reality is it also good to hear constructive input and have people to bounce off our questions with.
It’s knowing your kids’ lives are their own, and not a continuation of ours. Reality parenting is differentiating our hopes for our kids’ successful future from our longing that, in some way, they fulfill our childhood dreams.
I prepare myself each day to accept my kids’ big decisions as they grow up. I’m not certain how happy or anxious I would be in case their choices seem “off” from my ideals. All I can do today is to guide them the best way I know how. At the end of the day, it is Meagan’s life and Marcus’s life, NOT Meagan/Mom’s or Marcus/Mom’s life.
Reality parenting is an ongoing process. Like life’s philosophies, it actually takes a bit of detachment. It could be hard to do so because we’re so close to the situation. It takes a bit of practice for me.
Below are some of the principles I live by to pursue reality parenting:
- Start with a relaxed and growth mind-set. Although I know that my long-term goal of having happy and fulfilled children, I always know there are a million ways to get there.
I try to take each day a day at a time. I like to think of it as a journey rather than a set footprint. More than that, there is no one ready route to good parenting. All of us learn along the way.
- Early intervention is key. It is good to be aware of milestones, especially when our kids are between 0 and 8. I remember the mom of my son’s classmate from Little Gym sharing how early intervention helped prevent her son from being speech-delayed. Milestones are there as a guide toward focusing on certain skills at certain stages in our child’s formative years.
Schoolwork is also a good gauge. Like my experience with Meagan’s math dilemmas at preschool, which I wrote about last week, I always employ what my grade-school friend Joelyrose advised me. While they are young, it is easy to catch-up. Just immerse them for a period; they will adopt the skills they’re having difficulty with in no time.
- Playtime is the best time for discovery. I always play with my kids. We have game night every weekend. When they were babies, I researched specific play activities I routinely did with them every morning before I went to work and in the evening. I updated this every month. I loved seeing my kids learn through play—and, even better, I loved discovering my kids’ skills and personalities through play.
- Nothing changes the love we feel from the minute our kids are born. As parents, we will meet obstacles, big and small, as our kids grow up. We need to know that from the start. For me, it’s our unconditional love that carries us through all of these obstacles. From learning disabilities or genetic deficiencies, I always believe it’s love that allows us to be honest with ourselves to face problems, try our best to augment, and, most of all, be there for our children no matter what.
- Love the journey. This is my favorite. I have a utility box for each of my kids: from movie tickets to their drawings, each of these bear a story. Whether it was a program my child was too shy to go up the stage or a report card, I want them to appreciate the realities that contributed to who they are at the various points in their lives.