LAST week I shared my learnings from the book Raising Accountable Kids by John G. Miller and Karen G. Miller. Under Chapter 17, there was a subject I was particularly interested on: it was about “becoming a strong parent.” It talks about how families can escape the dilemma of having a “child in charge,” a situation where the child is actually in control of mom and dad. Miller suggests this means “strong parenting, characterized by a consistently loving but firm approach, that instructs children that the parent is the key authority figure in their world.
Strong parents understand that the fundamental purpose of disciplining is, over time, to create self-discipline within the child.” It further explains that strong parents know that while instilling discipline may be exhausting and time-consuming, there are benefits to be reaped for all involved. Miller’s “Discipline Ds” guided me to know when it’s time to be a strong disciplinarian to my kids. The Discipline Ds include: Disobedient, Destructive, Distracting, Disruptive, Dangerous and Disrespectful.
I’ve had my fair share of these child-in-charge moments, especially when I was a new mom. I always wanted to see that “delight” in my baby’s eyes, and I was jolted the first time I saw my baby look a bit upset. I also had the habit of always asking what my baby liked. The result was a toddler who had difficulty adhering to authority figures. I learned from my readings then that this could also result to affecting my child’s learning.
If our kids don’t listen to us as parents, then they will see no reason to listen to their teachers. If they do not listen to their teachers, then they shortchange themselves of the whole learning process. Through the years, I have been continuously learning and tweaking being a “strong parent.”
This led me to my own theory on “parent leadership,” which I wrote about in May 2016. I used the term “leadership” because I believe being a parent means taking on that leadership role. Parent leadership calls for a strong sense of self, clear principles and rules, and, most important the genuine intention to usher in the best future for our kids.
Below are some of my parent leadership principles that I believe can help us to be “strong” parents:
- Know or be prepared for your child’s persistence level. How? Remember how you were as a child. I read in a book that the probability of your persistence level passing on to your child is there. So a good reflection on what methods worked for you could be a good guide.
- Differentiate “must-dos” from opinions. For example, it is a must-do to take a shower and brush your teeth versus choosing what color of shirt your child wants to wear. Having said that, my husband brings up an important point of not asking your kids’ opinion too much. For example, always asking where to eat during weekends. Kids must understand it can’t always be their choice.
- Set clear rules for these “must-dos” and don’t budge. What is interesting to note from the book of Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles, the more persistent children actually see rules as a sign of parental affection.
- Kids must know “real” consequences. When my son was 2, I was lucky that one of my neighbors, Steph, lent me this book titled Dare to Discipline. From this book, I learned how important it is for kids to recognize authority. So, I remember that time when my son was being disobedient at 2 years old, I actually followed through with my threat. Now that he’s 6, he knows I’m serious when I lay out a consequence.
- There’s a need for that “super strict” figure at home. For my family, that’s my husband. My kids go by his words. No questions asked. I also stand by his decision or chosen consequence 100 percent.
- Last but not the least, kids must know that all our actions come from love and our genuine desire for them to have a better future. When we were growing up, meaning from 2 until high school, my dad literally never replied to us if we did not speak to him in Fukien Chinese. It was very frustrating, because once you start a conversation in English; he insisted he could not understand us. His heritage and his belief that the Chinese language is important to our future prevailed. Today, I speak Fukien with ease and much pride.