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LAST week I shared that parenthood, for me, is informed by qualities both “soft” and “hard.” I hope you have gathered as much soft stories to fuel your love for parenthood.
The next step for me was to extract the values behind these stories. There are millions of things that happen to us in our journey to becoming adults. The fact that there are memories that stay with us well into adulthood must mean they impacted us deeply.
In my case, I have extracted the values and feelings behind the persons or memories that continue to linger.
- My yaya: unconditional love, trust
- Grand Aunt: sense of achievement, a good feeling toward working hard
- My grandfather: thoughtful, happy memories of ube ice cream and bihon, among others
- My family: stories of wisdom and hard work, joy of learning while doing
- My favorite teachers (I am grouping them here but you can do this by person): feeling of appreciation and opportunity, considering I had very little skills when I was a child.
- My friends: particularly my classmate since nursery, who is still my friend today; our grade school years together brought me security and companionship
And the list goes on….
Then I filled in the blanks to this sentence:
I WANT TO RAISE A ____________________ ____________________ FAMILY. And this is what I came out with: I WANT TO RAISE A HAPPY, FULFILLED, LOVING AND CONTINUOUSLY LEARNING FAMILY.
It would be good to briefly define or even detail what these words mean to you: happy—laughing a lot, meals together, happy for our individuality, happy socially; fulfilled—supporting each other’s dreams, enjoying the journey; loving—lots of hugs and kisses, love to be together as a family; and continuously learning—expand our world through books and travel.
The definitions of these words are meant to evolve. In a year where time is scarce, happy can mean weekend meals or movie night at home. In a year, where there is more resources and time, continuously learning can mean a trip abroad.
You can plan it as detailed or as free-flowing as you want. However you choose to do it, my biggest take home is this: kids look forward to routines. Two years ago, in order to have more quality family time, we started game night once a week. Today the kids still look forward to this and it has evolved into dance parties, concerts, science experiments and setting up do-it-yourself tent nights in our room.
This one sentence has given me a good perspective. It has guided me in the many choices we have to make as a parent. It is a sentence that allows me to enjoy moments where we can pat ourselves in the back for a weekend well-spent.
It also encourages discernment on which battles to fight and which to concede.
Why was it important to me to go through this process? First, I come from a family that was quite broken. When I attended a family business seminar, I remember how we traced our genealogy and the conclusion, in general, was that a family’s history repeats itself. That was my biggest fear and also my biggest challenge.
Also, I sometimes see older people constantly complaining about their family life. At the same time, I see families with obvious problems but, yet, have this joy in their eyes. This was the quandary I wanted to figure out 12 years ago before I got married.
In my early 20s, I started with five-year tangible goals. As I achieved them, I remember always feeling: What’s next? Then I asked myself: If a goal accomplished is supposed to bring contentment, why does it feel like a constant race? Through meditation, stories from older couples and seminars, I gradually switched to doing intangible goals. One seminar that helped a lot was about mind maps.
To date, this is the process that has brought me closest to my search. To a certain extent, it provides me that semi-permeable membrane that allows me to be open to all situations and decide which to keep and which to edit out.
I guess in the end, I simply realized that tangible results are just avenues to our inner sense of peace. And the sooner we realize this, the better.