LAST week, I wrote about the quest in finding my kids’ voice. This is something I’ve never read in parenting books. This initiative was rooted in a myriad of childhood experiences.
I saw how sibling hierarchy can unintentionally cast shadows. I saw how rewards can inadvertently lock us in labels. I saw how when one is too eager to please others, one tends to forget the core of one’s being. Different views may elicit different barometers of what’s right and what’s pure naivete. Given all this, I’m grateful for the realization that my voice has always been anchored on empathy and resilience.
When I studied hard, it was because I didn’t want my grandaunt’s efforts go to waste. When I went up the stage to receive a model or citation, it was because I saw how my parents worked so hard and this was the least I could do. When I defended people, like my sisters or my friends, it’s because I didn’t want them to feel life was unfair.
When my side of the family broke apart in 2010, I asked myself long and hard if I should change. I chose to stand by my belief in the goodness of life.
Recently, I attended a conference overseas and met Henrik Norholt, PhD, chief science officer of Ergobaby, the makers of premium baby carriers from the US. His main expertise is in child development. I was lucky we were put in the same workshop group. He was kind enough to listen to the details of my current dilemma with my daughter’s condition in school. As much as she was a straight “A” student, her strong personality was being misunderstood.
Part of growing up is learning how to respect authority and that’s exactly what I told my daughter. Norholt gave me an interesting observation, saying it appeared my daughter has a very strong core, and that this is a good thing.
The core Norholt was referring to is the voice I continue to try to build positively with my kids. I believe it is and will be an important part of how they build their own futures.
Of course it’s hard to manage because there’s a need to balance respect and being assertive. I’m lucky my husband takes on the role of authority and discipline at home. I’m given the role of confidante to my kids and ensure their views are heard.
Here are some of the ways I try to develop my kids’ voice.
- Create the environment. My husband and I communicate on many topics from our work, family and social issues. When we have dinner together, we would speak about simple topics, like why Marcus likes tofu.
We have a lot of “whys” in our conversations, but give yourself plenty of patience because a lot of “whys” will come back your way.
- Initiate. I like asking their views on random topics—song, place, politician, etc. I ask Marcus his choices in toys. Now, he’s into Skylanders. We discuss why he likes this character over that other character. Which element he likes more, and which he thinks I would like, as well. When Meagan was young, she was into music and fashion. I asked her what she liked about Ariana Grande and she ended up asking me what I liked about Madonna. During the last US election, she was the one discussing her views on her favored candidate and what made her change her view in the last few weeks before the elections.
- Listen. I’ve had my one-on-one time with my kids for a few years now. It would just be simple meal at a quick-service restaurant or a trip to Starbucks. Usually during this time, or when I walk the dog with my kids, I allow them to lead the conversation. I let them talk things out, then reserve my views toward the last 10 percent of our time.
- Explore together. When I notice some topics that stick to my kids during our one-on-one time, I would explore these topics with them at a future date. We would Google more things about the subject, take a visit to the bookstore and buy a related reading material, or even watch videos online together.
- Leave a fun memory. These explorations lead to a lot of debates and discussions regarding preferences. I would tell my son I like the Skylanders Pain-Yatta because of the vibrant colors. He would say he likes Pit Boss because he can turn into a snake and eat his enemies.
Traveling is always a great way to develop my kids’ voice. They’re open with their preferences. We try to make it happen. If there are better places to go, we discuss with them. Sometimes they like our decision, sometimes not. Either way, we all have fun and explore each other’s wants together.
Every voice in a home is important. We, as parents, have a huge say in our kids’ future. Each of our kids’ voice is small today, but they are a work in progress to be a great voice someday.
Congratulations, Meagan, for receiving the Principal’s Award and getting the highest score in your graduating class in lower school. We are proud of you for the hardwork and resilience. We love you even more for being just your unique and loving self.