Warning: Attempt to read property "post_title" on null in /www/businessmirror_145/public/wp-content/plugins/better-image-credits/better-image-credits.php on line 227
Officially I have two kids, but actually I have three. My youngest sister and I are almost 10 years apart. Since she was a child, I assumed the role of her “monster sister” in charge of disciplining her.
Like most of our kids today, I saw her grow up in an environment more privileged than my own. What I feared most then was her receiving things she did not even ask for and, to me, were unnecessary.
The best example of this was when my parents got her this big “life-sized” toy house with matching refrigerator, along with this electronic also life-sized jeep—she was, I believe, 4 then. It brought joy to my sister, but a potential for progress was lost. I felt she needed the mechanical skills of learning how to bike first. If you have something your feet just pressed on to get it moving, why bother with something you needed to pedal?
That said, I’ve always believed in her brilliance. Despite many mishaps in her life and in our family, I always encouraged her to see the good in things, especially in herself. People always harp on her weight, but I said her primary focus should be in building character and inner strength.
From her, I saw how the first 10 years of a child’s life are most critical…the habits, the values, especially establishing that connection. When you miss it as a parent, catching up can be difficult. But like I tell her, we are all raised differently in childhood but by our mid-20s, we must gain control in mapping out our own future. No more blaming. As a parent, we become conflicted between feeling heartened in how our kids depend on us for a lot of things and wanting them to be successful on their own. There is no judgment on wherever we are in this dichotomy—as long as we are aware and can be happy with what future lies for them.
For my sister/daughter, I wanted her to maximize the potential of what is available in her life to pave a future she can call her own. In her mid-20s, I laid out the reality that given I’m 10 years her senior, I will not be there for her forever, and she needs to face that. I told her I will teach her everything I know, but in the end, the kind of life she wants is something for hers to make on her own. I truly believe this nudge toward accountability has brought out a lot of good things in her life today. And I see this whole process as my most important gift to her as a “parent.” From where I sit, I believe my kids must see their life as their own tautology.
How they live it must be able to impart something good to the world they live in.
How do I try to do this?
Accept imperfection. As parents, we always feel under a microscope due to external pressures. From the onset, I feel it is important to know that there is no perfect parenthood process.
Have the courage to peel through. It is heartwarming to receive praise, but when we hear negative comments about our kids, we tend to withdraw or be defensive. As sensitive as I am, I have chosen to be pragmatic when it comes to outside observations about my children. Why? First, my goal of wanting to know my child more takes precedence over my feelings. Second is time. I want to know, so I can observe for myself sooner and try to find a solution if there really is a problem. Last, it is in these moments that I gain true connection with my kids. I hug them even more and assure them we are here for them. My youngest sister was an honor student until she was in Grade 4. Then in Grade 6, she suddenly had academic problems that lingered through high school. When I asked her what happened, she said she felt weighed down by expectations of her knowing everything.
Maximize the positive. As you are attempting to correct the negative traits, don’t forget to fuel the positive. My son was a bit timid but very passionate. As often as I encouraged him to recite in class, I encouraged him even more to share his stories about his Marvel Avengers heroes and sharing each power of his Animal Kaiser cards.
Identify teaching moments. I grew up in a teaching environment. My dad’s family always ended a situation with some learning. I remember when I was in Hong Kong and just finished shopping, my aunt told us, “What you spent today is already what a person earns for a day in Manila.” I have carried this “hobby” with me.
Allow your kids to form their own tautology. Sooner than you think, you will see your kids forming their own life lessons. My sister told me one time she was talking to my kids frustrated about something.
My son told her, “You know, Chichi, we cannot always get what we want. Sometimes things are good. Other times, it can be bad, but that’s why there’s always hope.”
Today, like most parents, I’m amazed at how I am starting to learn from my kids’ own tautologies.
From Meagan: “It’s better to have a successful business that is small than to have a big business that is not successful.” And, of course, Marcus’s favorite tautology: “Mom, there’s always hope!”