TODAY, I told my heart to stop beating. I urged it not to feel anything. I wanted it to stop, including all the things that make the world go round.
I want to stop and pause for a while, to try and see things just the way they are in this chaotic, zigzagged, messed-up world.
There are too many emotions; my heart can no longer take them. Can I live for a day without my heart feeling?
Don’t you feel it, too? When you’re just too exhausted to even be exhausted?
How do you even start fixing yourself? How do you go back on track? When will you be contented? Do you even know where you’re going? How do you even dream again? Do you even know what your dreams are?
To whom will you ask help from without being judged? How do you stop the world from talking? How do you start healing? When can you finally say you’re okay?
Perspectives
I KEPT on walking, and walking, and walking. Then, I ran as fast as I could, and went on as far as I can. Suddenly, I stopped. I saw myself staring at the busy lights in the middle of the streets….
There were too many cars with mad drivers yelling at one another. There were too many lights—fast, blinking ones. Everywhere, it’s polluted. The world really is crowded. It’s suffocating.
Then, the world moved in slow motion. I only felt the breeze of the air as it made my hair dance, while I heard my own breath as it echoed in the distance. I saw life.
I saw how the world revolves differently in every person I see. There’s a kid jumping out of joy when his mom bought her the toys he wanted for Christmas. I sensed the sparkle in his mom’s eyes as she saw her kid happy from little things.
She knows that in a few years, his happiness may no longer be based on the toys or things. Even those on his wish list won’t be enough.
There’s a student—with her heavy books, with dark circles under her tired eyes that hid behind her smile—wishing her day would save her semester. There’s also a man with flowers in one hand and a ring inside his pocket, hoping to get a resounding “yes” from his ladylove.
I saw a single woman trying to work hard for the future of her family, praying that she’d overcome her workload and survive until tomorrow, and the days after. There would always be someone caught among all of the crises this world has to offer.
I know I couldn’t tell all the stories behind the shadows of the people I see every day. We all have secrets we don’t want the world to know—those that make our shadows darker.
Pauses
STILL, you have to know that you don’t owe the world anything. No matter how much we try to let people understand us, they just won’t.
Life is not perfect, and it will never be. Still, it will chase us, even if we keep on running away. It will hit us hard; real hard.
I want you to know that it’s okay to stop; to no longer fight for that person from the past, or the things that make other people take you for granted, and for your old self who keeps on holding you back.
It’s okay to change dreams after just failing one. It’s okay to rest. It’s okay to choose sleep every once in a while. It’s okay to miss workout sessions after feeling forced. It’s okay to cut off toxicity.
It’s okay to move on and forget about the things you were once crazy about. It’s okay to let go. It’s okay to say “no” without explaining yourself. It’s okay to choose yourself. Self-love is okay. It’s okay. You’re okay.
Congratulate yourself and say “Kudos!” for surviving another day, every day. It’s hard to live, but not living is harder. When you learn how to pause and stop for a while, I hope you see the world I see: chaotic, but beautifully alive.
When you listen to your own voice, the rest of the world is just noise. You can always choose your battles. Live for today, fight for tomorrow. You’ll be okay.
Trust yourself. Trust the process.