I OFTEN get questions on how I manage my time and my home, given I work full time. My simple answer is “fluidity”—how I am at home is no different from how I am at work. I have always stood by convergence and consistency in my role as a mother and a business owner.
I bring the motherhood values of love and accountability to my role as an effective leader. On the flipside, I bring skills of strategic and long-term thinking methods from work to my home. Through the years, I have continuously researched on methods to help me on both roles. So far, there are three principles that have helped me tremendously.
First is “Mindset,” second is “No Pressure Parenting,” and third is my own coined term of “Contextual Parenting.” For this week, let me share the first principle.
My mind-set is to “Simplify Parenting.” I have shared previously that the starting point for me is an authentic and “one” self to avoid any switching of personalities between roles. Simplifying parenting also seeks emotional contentment, by seeing parenting as an ongoing journey rather than an end goal of perfect results.
One of the books I found most valuable is Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol S. Dweck, PhD This book discusses thoroughly how a “growth mind-set” can be utilized in all aspects of our lives, from parenting, business to our other relationships. It differentiates a “fixed mind-set” versus a “growth mind-set.” It says, “People in a growth mindset don’t just seek challenge, they thrive on it. The bigger the challenge, the more they stretch.”
It challenges the definition of “feeling smart.” In an experiment, people ranging from grade schoolers to young adults were asked, “When do you feel smart?” According to the author, people with a fixed mind-set said they feel so when they do not make a mistake; when they finish something fast and perfect, when a task is something easy for them but not for other people. People with the growth mind-set said this is when it’s really hard and they try really hard and they can do something they couldn’t do before; or when they work on something for a long time and start to figure it out.
I really appreciated Chapter 7, where it focused on parents, teachers and coaches. It guided me on how I speak to my children, that instead of praising the trait, I should focus on the process. It taught me that when my child “messes up,” I should not label or excuse my child. I should provide constructive feedback. Most of all, I liked how it focused on our mission as parents to develop our kid’s potential, rather than judging our child’s ability or connecting it to our reputation.
This book resonated with me a lot. I was a consistent honor student since I was 4. I studied in a highly traditional Chinese Catholic school until I had to go to New York for high school. I then transferred to a more progressive Spanish high school here in the Philippines. The differences in teaching styles have widened my spectrum from memorizing to get “As” to truly loving the knowledge behind each fact and then wanting to learn more. I have learned to enjoy pursuing learning more than the results, and I want my kids to do the same. After I got married, I still chose to pursue my Master’s while I was pregnant with Meagan. Today, I still hope to get a chance to study in Spain for business and language.
So in my kids’ academic and out-of-school life, I have embraced the reality that there are always a lot of trial and errors. What has guided me was my quest for my kids to love learning. What this means is not about my kids reaching the highest accolades, but that they develop an inner self-yearning to continuously learn no matter how old they are. I want to instill this “growth” mind-set, rather than “always achieving No. 1.” I believe if they develop this “hobby” of seeking knowledge, then positive results are inevitable, and the desire to stretch themselves becomes intrinsic to them.
I employ this mind-set, especially when I let my kids try new things. I remove “labels” by focusing on innate talents. For example, both my husband and I don’t play any musical instrument. I let Marcus try playing the violin at 4 and he continues to enjoy it today. I look forward to exposing my kids to their own “unchartered” territories. When ABS-CBN asked if my daughter could be interviewed about fashion when she was around 7, Meagan was OK to try it. After it was over, I constructively and honestly told her what was good and what could be improved.
The “growth” mind-set transforms in us the need to “win” into loving the journey of discovery. This is particularly helpful when things don’t go smoothly whether at home or work. Like the article I shared last week on “catching up” with Marcus, I was OK to accept that I’m not a perfect parent, recognizing that I need to make things better. I set aside my ego and instead looked forward to what I could learn from any situation.
As a consequence, this mind-set also leads to less stress—and to my second principle, “No Pressure Parenting.” Next week I will share my tips on this topic.