IT all started with my deep dissatisfaction with how dating seemed to be going about in the millennial generation.
Having recently come out of a long relationship, I was somewhat forced into the dating pool that, for me, much resembled toxic slime. Guys didn’t seem to be willing to put out the effort I had been accustomed to. Booty was just so accessible everywhere via Tinder or Grinder that they no longer found a reason to stick to one. Some had pegged me as a “serious” girlfriend type but continued to see a slew of other women “on the side.” What does that even mean?
It means that a man has compartmentalized women into the “for-keeps” and the “for fun” categories while enjoying sexual favors that are meant only for what is strictly in the married category, which he would never get to unless he gets hit by a dose of conscience in between for-fun girl numbers one through five.
I decided to disengage from the Peter Pan boys but was tasked with sorting out who was really worth the time and effort to get to know. I was looking for a romantic. Someone who would put time, effort and finesse into trying to make me happy would surely be someone to get to know.
What I know about my love is that it is strong and sure. I can be faithful and say “no” to anyone, support him and be fun. I’ve transformed my ex’s apartment into a winter wonderland with snowmen and blue lighting, cooked him his favorite meal—lamb stew and wearing nothing but an apron, all because he said he missed Christmas back home.
I know women around who know what I am talking about. A woman’s love is endless. It endures bad tempers, cheating, lying, stealing or anything else. We can make sacrifices and soldier on for the sake of love. We can bear heavy secrets, keep quiet in times of rage and shine with graceful patience in the hardest of times.
I know I am so worth it. I know what I can give. I know what I am capable of.
The sad part is, even those women that these men call “easy,” I am sure, are also capable of such great and noble love. It’s just that they’ve sacrificed their standards to some present desire or need one way or the other. They are as much wasted on cheaters and liars.
Surely, outside the firmament of marriage, it is hard for true love to grow. People are tossed around and lose all meaningful interaction in the façade of freedom and the wafting scent of debauchery. Little do they know that their humanity and the levels of satisfaction of a real relationship are forever lost to them and, one day, they will wake up numb and alone.
Today’s easy relationship is a breeding ground for broken hearts and heartlessness, for having sown too many seeds and having said good-bye too many times. To survive, hurt people become mean or cheaters and will eventually have to face the reality of their cold, stone-dead hearts.
A woman in these times must have a moral fiber of steel. She must be ready to give up any man if he doesn’t treat her with the respect and affection she deserves. She must play the balance between supportive friend and coy minx, never letting her man know her true motivations because any man who knows he is wanted, knows that he has won. Any man who doesn’t give you exclusive attention and commitment, doesn’t deserve that win.
At present, I went along with my challenge to give my undivided attention as a girlfriend to someone for the month of December to someone who would give me a glimpse of how he loves. Undeniably, I have a great time getting to know people and seeing how they love.
Some brought me to posh dinners, while some gave me surprise cakes. Some brought me nice things and some brought me to new places for a new experience or two. I appreciated the time, effort and money that went into my birthday surprises. However, for me, sadly, it’s not enough.
I just saw it from my perspective: What if I were a boy and I liked a girl and it was her birthday? What if I were this guy, with this job and this time on my hands; what could I do? I can confidently answer that I would be a better lover than all my hopefuls.
I would send her notes. I would ask people to give her flowers. I would tell the world who I loved and I would spend time with her.
I know it’s not fair. People love differently. I might be looking for a male Maxine and that would be impossible.
I can’t possibly give my love or attention to someone who doesn’t give me the time and attention I am capable of giving. I’ve already made the mistake of choosing someone just because I liked him, and now I owe it to myself to select the best for me.
There is someone who constantly shows his love for me and even always reminds me that I am never alone, with songs and with words, he makes sure that I am emotionally well, and guides me all my days. He makes sure I stay strong and protects me. He shows me the truth about people and loves me each and every day even if I grieve his holy heart.
He is my God; my love.
It took me a long time to decide this. In truth, I’ve been wanting to do this for years already. I just never “felt” like it.
I love romance and that feeling of being in love. Perhaps, that’s why I sometimes mistake a man’s ardor for sincerity and flowery words for faithfulness. I was in love with romance, not love. Those butterflies, the smiles, the first-time skin meets skin and all the sweet words piled like snow in Alaska.
However, through the years, God has taught me that love is sacrifice. Love is sometimes doing things you don’t want to do for someone and it is exactly because you don’t gain anything from it that it becomes a noble sacrifice. It is truly selfless. It is purely for the person you love. That is what love is, a noble sacrifice for your object of devotion. It is like Jesus dying on the cross for our sins. It is like saying no to temptation in faithfulness for the one we love.
If there is one thing that I can be sure of in this life, it is that God loves me. I could never love Him enough to come even close to how He has loved me.
I wanted to find solace in a man but, instead, I have a God who calls to me, daily. He loves me, daily. He makes me strong daily. I read the Bible I and ask God for guidance. Since I started the challenge, God has been reprimanding me of my rebellious heart.
So at least for this month—small steps—but hopefully until forever, I am God’s. I don’t have to think of attracting anyone, because I already have the love of the strongest, wisest and most powerful Man I know. Dating is the one aspect of my life that I have not surrendered to God, or have failed many times at surrendering because, well, you know how much fun human love is.
Now, I am choosing faith, choosing God, choosing to have an everlasting love. I am choosing to kiss dating good-bye!