What is your Why? Love, Time, Death….Everything we covet revolves around these three things.” These were Howard Inlet’s lines in a film called Collateral Beauty.
The film is about Howard (Will Smith), a once successful advertising agency owner who became clinically depressed after losing his daughter. In their last attempt to save their agency from bankruptcy, his business partners Whit (Edward Norton), Claire (Kate Winslet) and Simon (Michael Peña) hire a private investigator to show that Howard is unfit, thus enabling them to sell the company. They find out that Howard wrote three letters to “Love”, “Time” and “Death”. They then hire a trio of actors—Amy(Keira Knightley), Raffi (Jacob Latimore) and Brigitte (Helen Mirren)—to play “Love”, “Time” and “Death”, respectively. All these efforts lead to Howard’s “healing”. He starts to attend a grief support group headed by Madeleine (Naomi Harris). Madeleine lost her daughter, Olivia, to cancer. She shares that while she was in the hospital, she met an old woman, who asked her, “Who are you losing?” and then told her, “Just don’t forget to see the collateral beauty.”
What struck me about the film the most is how a person solidifies one’s life with clear meaning; it rarely prepares us when such meaning is snatched away unexpectedly. It begs the question: Is there really value in finding our whys?
I have learned from so many life experiences that…“the happiness of my why also causes the most pain when it is taken away. The fear of losing my why also brings the deepest gratitude, accountability and personal demand for my worthwhile transcendence.”
Whether fortunate or not, I have been exposed to various types of “losses” as early as 5. From unexpected deaths to temporary separation from loved ones, my knee-jerk reaction is always to seek goodness. Collateral Beauty is like a long lost kin for me. My husband and my truest friends know I dig deep in finding beauty in my deepest loss. But meeting a cancer survivor, Richelle, during a recent trip really humbled me. She shared her story and said in the end, with her post-treatment haircut and the widest smile I’ve seen, “I am the lucky one.”
I realized that my kids, now at 11 and 7, could start discovering these whys. As much I would like to preserve the beautiful simplicity of childhood, I’d also like them to gradually see meaning and be prepared to face the realities of life. How do I impart these whys to my kids?
The why of Love
The why of Love for each person varies. It can be love for their immediate family and friends. But in most cases, people hope to find that life partner to be happy and grow old with. For my kids, the best exposure comes from the love we have in the family. It is the time we spend with each other, when we can be ourselves as we all try our best to make each other happy. When my husband and I try our best to provide them the best game night with the food they like, or the movie they like to watch. When Marcus was 6, I asked him, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I was so surprised when he said, “I want to be a father.” This year, during one of our alone times, we finished talking about his Pokemon and schoolwork. I asked him, “Marcus, what would you like your future wife to be?” He said, “I want someone smart and who will take care of my kids really well.”
The why of Time
Our kids are young and have so many years ahead of them. You want them to enjoy these carefree years, but you also want them to value maximizing their potential. I try to inculcate the value of time side by side with being accountable for their futures. I rarely push but I challenge. I don’t say, “Study math more or else.” I give them the possibilities of what being good in math might mean to their future and enjoy the activity with them. Since they were kids, using Dry Erase markers in the car for math games has been a staple.
The why of Death
I went to funerals starting at age 5 I think, when my great grandmother passed. I have seen how my other great grandmother lived with Alzheimer’s in her old age. As I’ve shared in previous columns, I have experienced many poignant deaths. For my kids, I expose them to the same thing. When my Grade 6 teacher passed, I brought my daughter to the funeral. We prayed side by side to thank Mrs. Haw for all that she taught me. I relate death side by side with gratitude. Gradually, I hope to teach them the meaning of giving back. And the biggest way to show gratitude for the time God has given us is to live a life of meaning to ourselves and to the people around us.
Try discovering your child’s whys with them today.