ONE of the things I noticed when I started working was that we generally avoid being confrontational in the workplace. Maybe it is the culture, the way we were raised, or the way everyone is expected to be at work, but I find that we typically avoid confrontations because we want to avoid conflict and we are averse to calling someone out for bad behavior. The issue then escalates into a problem once someone implodes and angrily confronts the aggressor.
One of the reasons people avoid confronting others with their disruptive actions or coarse behavior is because they focus too much on the disruption in the working relationship more than what they can benefit from it. Worse, most people fear that confrontation always leads to the end of the professional relationship. What they do not understand is that it might be the needed push to clear the air between them and become the catalyst for creating an environment where expectations are clear, and people are mindful of their actions and behavior. There are times when you can just brush off other people’s rude behavior, but when it affects your work and productivity, you may need to confront them.
Before confronting anyone at work, you need to understand what it is you want to get out of the confrontation.
This will determine the course of action you will take and guide you on what to say and what you can do to achieve your goal. If you aim to preserve the professional and personal relationship, then prepare to make compromises and adjustments. If you aim to maintain a professional relationship but lessen personal interactions, then you might have a little more room to stress the negative effects of their actions on your workload and productivity. And if you aim to sever the relationship, then you have the freedom to be as candid as you want. Whatever your reason for confronting someone, you need to identify what your end goal is.
It goes without saying that you need to prepare before the confrontation. Make sure you can clearly explain what the issue is, how it has affected you, and what you want to happen after. If possible, list down specific events that will help the person understand where you are coming from and so they can remember what they did. This should help them recall what they did but the confrontation should help them understand how their actions have affected you. In terms of what you want to happen after the confrontation, make sure it is something that is reasonable and within their capacity.
During the confrontation, check that you are in the proper mindset. Ensure that you are mentally prepared to accept what they have to say, and are emotionally stable to accept when they do not understand what you are talking about. You might need to explain more so you might need to patiently clarify. Do not confront someone when you are angry or emotionally unstable because you will not be able to explain clearly what is bothering you. Your words might also come off as combative rather than appeasing, which might make it more difficult to resolve your issues with the person.
Actively listen by keeping an open mind to their reactions. If needed, paraphrase to let them know you understand where they are coming from, and to show that you understood what they are saying. You must also be prepared to change your mind about some of the things you may have decided beforehand. We have certain assumptions and preconceived notions about people that get in the way of truly understanding where they are coming from. Once you become aware of these in yourself, it becomes easier to see someone from a different perspective. You need to actively listen so you can revise your position as you learn more about the person.
If in doubt, ask for more information so that you can have a better understanding of where the other person is coming from and validate your assumptions. Asking the right questions can also help uncover other issues that the person may have with you and help you figure out why they acted or behaved the way they did. You can then recalibrate your decision based on what they have to say. Asking questions also helps the other person realize that you are listening to what they have to say, and you genuinely want to arrive at a mutually beneficial solution.
Focus on how someone’s actions or words made you feel by using “I” statements more than “You” statements. It is harder for people to negate what you have experienced when you use “I” statements, but it also makes it easier for them to see the event from your perspective. “You” statements sound like you are blaming them, which invariably will put them on the defensive. You should also avoid words like “never” and “always” because life rarely is black or white. By using these words, you are dismissing all the other good things they have done which will make them feel more belligerent.
If there are multiple issues you need to address in the confrontation, take one issue at a time. Resolve one issue before moving on to another issue so that facts can be sorted out properly. What you want to avoid is for the confrontation to become a bull session where everything is put out and everyone gets angry but nothing is resolved. Also, do not bring up past issues that have been resolved unless the problem has become worse.
Be careful with your choice of words and the way you talk to the person during confrontation. Keep your tone as neutral as possible because together with your choice of words, they reveal what you are really thinking. To have control of your choice of words and tone, you need to be open to what they are saying and be ready to change your mind as needed.
Confrontations need not always result in conflict or ending the work relationship. In fact, it might be a necessary impetus for both of you to move forward in the right direction so you can both work together harmoniously. All you need is for both of you to move forward and consistently find ways to make it work.
Image credits: Christin Hume on Unsplash