February has always been a special month for me because it is my birth month. I have shared in a previous column how I was supposed to have another sibling before me, supposedly a boy, but my mother had a miscarriage. I heard my mother really wanted a boy, so she was a bit sad when I turned out to be a girl. I am not sure if that is the reason, but after I was born I was supposedly left in the nursery for almost a year. But thanks to the loving people around me, whom I have honored in my previous columns, I have always “celebrated” my birth each year with a combination of “poignancy” and gratitude. Special shout out to the midwives in the nursery, who were total strangers, but probably hugged me a lot and gave me a lot of warm care.
I have always associated February with the color red, not because of Valentine’s Day, but because it was my favorite color when I was growing up, and my birthday has always been the time when I magnify all that life has blessed me. Regardless of the state I am in a year, but especially when I face difficult years, my childhood of simple laughter is always something that I would go back to and draw strength from on my special day and for the coming year. Through the years during my birth month, I would visit my grandfather and grand aunt’s urn spots at the temple, or go to Tasty’s Dumpling by myself or visit the laundry and ironing area in my childhood home, where my nanny Manang Eyang and I spent the most time during my toddler and preschool years. This time of stepping back to my quiet space has always allowed me to cry again if I felt like it, then move on to gratitude, and always ending up with funneling all these emotions to grow more love and laughter with the people I love, especially my family.
This February, I found it timely to share my thoughts and practical ways on why and how to grow love and laughter in the family. Let me start with the “why.”
Mental health problems have become a “closer to home” issue for many families. The extremely prolonged lockdown of children in the Philippines, out of physical school and face-to-face social interactions, has had different effects on each child.
When it comes to parenting, my children’s mental and emotional health has always been my main priority. I felt early on that patiently building “body-mind-heart” blocks for my children were equally, if not more important, than academic enrichment. My hope is for these efforts to help each of my children have strong inner cores, find their passions, and courageously go through life without limits.
This became even more important when I found out in 2018 from a talk I attended in New York that depression will be the No. 1 health issue by 2030, according the World Health Organization. I studied how my children could be prepared for the complexities of emotions they might encounter, especially during their adolescent years. My most critical take-home: Children are best supported by the warmth and security of family love, and the warm memories when they laugh and learn they get to “deposit” in their hearts and minds.
But before I go further, I want to share first that if we want to have emotionally strong children, we also need to work on being emotionally strong ourselves. One practical way is building our own “Joy Bank”. Try to list your happiest moments in your lives. This “Joy Bank” allows us to have a purse to draw from any small or major happy moments whenever we face difficult times. Secondly, face our hurts by listing them all down. Push to forgive those who have hurt you, but, more importantly, push to forgive yourself for allowing others to hurt you.
Before I end the first part of this column entry, let me share to you my speech to my friends on my 35th birthday. I was at one of the saddest points in my life but I pushed myself to see joy:
“Since this will be my only party for at least another 10 years, allow me to be a bit poetic. Yesterday, I said goodbye to what was. Today, I embrace the freedom to define what true family is. It is not blood. It is the genuine unconditionality of accepting who we are and being there for each other no matter what. I thank each and everyone of you for letting me realize that life is and will always be good.
“Through the years, I lived by my many philosophies. All of you know my rigidity, my intensity and my stubbornness. I have my own thought process and I value my personal bubble. So, I just want to thank all of you, especially my loving husband, for putting up with me. (He is) truly my rock.
“Lastly but definitely not the least, I would like to take time to thank my family, my kids, especially my dad, for being strong for us and for always believing in me. My sister Joan, who I am very proud of. And of course, my Amah, aunts and uncles, who have been great examples to me.
“So, today, let’s raise our glasses because today is truly a new beginning of love and passion.”