HOLIDAY get-togethers and reunions can be the most stressful this time of the year. Sure, we look forward to seeing family again, this being the first face-to-face parties for most people, but the ghosts of pre-pandemic Christmas reunions past are bound to rear their ugly heads and prey on everyone’s emotions.
If we don’t watch out, we’ll again return to the somewhat short fuses and heated discussions at the dining table, and remember how uncle so-so always gets sloshed and sloppy—even before the food is served? Ugh. (Yes, people, there’s always one in the family.)
Now, my younger unattached friends are telling me they are dreading seeing their nosy aunts and grandmothers who will needlessly grill them on when they are going to either get married, or have a boyfriend. (In the case of a colleague, Lia, she tells me at least her Tia Lola is a bit “more hip” that the latter will probably ask her if she has a girlfriend instead! “Feeling politically correct ’yon,” laughs Lia at the thought of her favorite grand aunt.)
I don’t envy these girls. Nor the younger gents I know. The latter, too, apparently get the same third degree from older relatives these days. I suppose these are the signs of the times, and equality means all the young folk get the same unwanted questions about their civil status or “future plans,” regardless of gender. (Thank goodness my own older relatives, at some point, got tired of hassling me with these questions, especially after I’d respond with an incredulous, high-pitched “Why?!” Hahaha.)
In the case of Maya, she confided just the other day that she wasn’t looking forward to their clan’s first grand reunion since the pandemic. Let’s face it, so much has happened in the political sphere and with wounds still fresh from the last elections, probably the most divisive in history, Maya says her plan for next week’s party is to “deadma.” By that she means she will just ignore her aunt and uncle who had voted for the current resident of Malacañang, and just engage with her “enlightened” cousins who fortunately voted differently.
There are ways to ensure that holiday family gatherings remain civil, and guarantee that everyone is able to enjoy each other’s company. Here are a few tips on how to find (or make) peace this season:
- Plan ahead. Find out what your host will need for the reunion and ask how you could help. It may be as simple as ensuring the invites have been sent to relatives, or bringing everyone’s favorite dessert or beverage. The less stressed the host is in organizing the party, the better chances she will be at her best in entertaining and making sure everyone has a good time.
- Get rid of expectations. It may be difficult, but try to get over the past hurts and pains that may have affected relationships with other family members. Find something new or in common with them, instead of dwelling on your differences. If you’re not feeling so charitable, then, yes, it’s enough to acknowledge the presence of the annoying loyalist uncle, kiss him on the cheek, and wish him a Merry Christmas.
- Let go. If you’re the (un)lucky host of this year’s family reunion, be prepared for the worst. No matter how meticulously you organize the party, there are things that can and will go wrong. The lechon doesn’t arrive, the adult children of cousin so-so’s third wife has tagged along uninvited, the grandchildren spills soda on your sofa—understand that there are some things that will be out of your control. So, just breathe in and let go. No such thing as a perfect party. (But be ready with the baking soda for those accidental spills!)
- Ease up on the booze. We all know how imbibing unlimited amounts of alcoholic beverages can unleash our evil id, and often make us behave badly. If you’re the host, don’t lay out all the liquor on the bar cart. When guests see an unlimited supply of alcoholic beverages, they indulge, and you know what happens after…annoying uncle starts pressing everyone’s buttons, passions are inflamed, and fights break out. Thus, ration the (liquor) action. And if you’re the guest, eat first and take your time indulging in your chosen poison.
- Say no. If a family member or situation makes you feel uncomfortable, just say “no.” Find a more gracious way to extricate yourself from unwelcome situations with humor or a more positive attitude. For example, if relatives are hassling you to sing karaoke with the goal of embarrassing you for your sucky singing voice, suggest someone else who can do a better job of entertaining them. At worst, when extremely peeved, feel free to leave the toxic situation to calm yourself, and return when you’re feeling less charged.
- Be generous. Remember the reason for the season. Christmas is a time for family and giving love all around, no matter what social or political divide to which relatives belong. Be generous in praise for the host’s entertaining skills, be grateful for the abundant food and drink shared, stop boasting about your brilliant children and instead compliment your cousin’s own spawn for their accomplishments. Making people feel important and appreciated eases the stress of the holiday gatherings, and ensures relatives go home with not just happy tummies but thankful hearts, as well.
Image credits: Eugene Zhychik on Unsplash