I HAVE often shared the goal of my husband and I to raise our children happy and fulfilled. As much as we were aware that there would be a far more competitive world out there for our children’s future, we knew that we wanted our children’s core being to be based on their inherent character and happiness. I can say it is not the easiest path to follow your child’s lead, while providing your guidance and support to an indefinite path. However, I do believe that the countless memories of meaningful smiles, frustrations or awe to newness have led my children to continuously “own their path” and love their chosen adventures.
I have often been asked how my children developed their drive to pursue things. I never knew how to properly put together my answer. It was only recently that I learned the term “self-efficacy” while watching Julie Lythcott-Haims’s YouTube video, titled “How to Raise Successful Kids—Without Over-Parenting.”
Below are some of the excerpts from this video that resounded to me:
“…There’s a certain style of parenting these days that is kind of messing up kids, impeding their chances to develop into theirselves…I guess what I’m saying is that we spend a lot of time being very concerned about parents who aren’t involved enough in the lives of their kids and their education or their upbringing, and rightly so. But at the other end of the spectrum, there’s a lot of harm going on there as well, where parents feel a kid can’t be successful unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment, and steering their kid toward some small subset of colleges and careers.
“When we raise kids this way—and I say we, because Lord knows that in raising my two teenagers, I had these tendencies myself—our kids end up leading a kind of checklisted childhood. And here’s what the checklisted childhood looks like. We keep them safe and sound and fed and watered, and then we want to be sure they go to the right schools, that they’re in the right classes at the right schools, and that they get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools. But not just the grades, the scores, but the accolades and the awards and the sports, the activities, the leadership…
“And here’s what it feels like to be a kid in this checklisted childhood. First of all, there’s no time for free play. There’s no room in the afternoons, because everything has to be enriching, we think. It’s as if every piece of homework, every quiz, every activity is a make-or-break moment for this future we have in mind for them, and we absolve them of helping out around the house, and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep as long as they’re checking off the items on their checklist…
“Self-efficacy is built when one sees that one’s own actions lead to outcomes…Not one’s parents’ actions on one’s behalf, but when one’s own actions lead to outcomes. So, simply put, if our children are to develop self-efficacy—and they must—then they have to do a whole lot more of the thinking, planning, deciding, doing, hoping, coping, trial and error, dreaming and experiencing of life for themselves.
“Now, am I saying every kid is hard-working and motivated and doesn’t need a parent’s involvement or interest in their lives, and we should just back off and let go? Hell no. That is not what I’m saying.
“What I’m saying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards as the purpose of childhood, all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges or entrance to a small number of careers, that’s too narrow a definition of success for our kids. And even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins by overhelping—like they get a better grade if we help them do their homework, they might end up with a longer childhood résumé when we help—what I’m saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost to their sense of self. What I’m saying is that we should be less concerned with the specific set of colleges they might be able to apply to or might get into, and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set, the wellness, to be successful wherever they go. What I’m saying is that our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores and a whole lot more interested in childhood providing a foundation for their success built on things like love and chores…
“The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted is called the Harvard Grant Study. It found that professional success in life, which is what we want for our kids, this comes from having done chores as a kid, and the earlier you started, the better, that a roll-up-your-sleeves-and-pitch-in mindset, a mindset that says, ‘There’s some unpleasant work, someone’s got to do it, it might as well be me,’ a mindset that says I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole, that that’s what gets you ahead in the workplace.”
Our discussion on self-efficacy continues next week.