LAST Saturday was our National Day of Valor. This coming Sunday will be Easter. I thought about my teenage daughter’s recent struggles and realized the courage teenagers need today.
My daughter Meagan recently celebrated her 16th birthday during the 2022 Junior & Cadet Fencing World Championships in Dubai. She finished well for her first time in a world competition, competing with almost 200 fencers all over the world. She scored the best ranking among fellow Filipina fencers in the individual Women’s Sabre Juniors division, and led the Philippine Junior team to a respectable score of 23 vs. 45 against Uzbekistan, which is 7th in the world. She was the highest pointer for this team game for the Philippine team.
Her ongoing journey has not been easy. She has been juggling with meeting school deadlines, as she had been rigorously training in Ormoc on and off since July 2021, as well as joining competitions both local and international. She also tries her best to fulfill her other roles in school as the class president, among others. I was amazed at how she found a supplier in Pampanga to do customized 10A Bears for the Valentine season, coordinated the design, negotiated the price, and arranged for the logistics all on her own. Because of this, she has lost time for normal teen activities like being with her friends and tutoring her classmates, which she loved doing in the past. She has had to deal with misunderstandings among classmates for schoolwork. The hardest part has been to face the painful reality of betrayal and abandonment from people she thought would be there for her, particularly at this time when she needed the support. This is why the smiles in the photos above are truly priceless to me.
The life of a teenager today is no easier than what we lived in our time. As much as we might think our kids would be less resilient as we were in the past, I believe the digital, more connected and global world they live in also makes their lives a notch more complicated. I titled this column so because I believe parental guidance is ever more needed in the highly volatile emotional world of our teenagers.
I have had many deep and at times explosive arguments with my daughter these past few months. I have consulted with friends with older kids, friends who are experts and read books. What I have learned so far is that it is important to acknowledge and not dismiss their struggles. It does not help to fully impose or insist our standards without dialogue and empathy. There is also a lot of self-reflection and patience needed to listen and suspend judgment.
What is helping me in guiding her is by relaying stories of my past, not for her to follow the road I took but to feel my empathy.
Below are three of the stories I have shared with her at different times:
1. I had a best friend from nursery until Grade 2. Then one day, I can still vividly remember, she walked up to me during recess and told me I was no longer her best friend because she had a new one. It was harsh to realize that nothing lasts forever at the age of 8. But in hindsight, it also made me open to welcome new friendships and even value those that were already there but I did not fully see. One of them was a classmate since nursery who today remains to be a best friend and is also a godfather to my daughter.
2. I trekked a different path from my friends when I came back from almost a school year of 10th grade in New York, and moved to a non-Chinese exclusive girl’s school. I felt aloof in both worlds. This was a time when I learned that being out of place pushed me to harness my strengths. I just minded my own business and pushed hard in anything I did. Later on, my new classmates and teachers recognized my work. By the end of the 4th year, they trusted me enough to make me the class president.
3. When a relationship in college ended painfully, I felt like the smallest person in campus. I would even turn on my heels every time I saw my ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend. I “hid” from the world for two semesters by spending most of my time in the chapel and the library. It was at this time that I found my true constant, which is my personal relationship with God.
It is interesting to see my daughter quietly listening to these stories, at times crying. It is even more interesting that I still cry in recounting them to her. Then I see in my daughter’s eyes her understanding that getting hurt is part of life, but so is getting up.
I realized that this parenting route might seem longer, and that I could just direct Meagan to what I think is the correct path. But I want my kids to always be bold enough to face their experiences, wallow in it if needed—and then realize that with the help of humble faith and a bold resolve, they will have the power to write their new chapters.
Thank you to Meagan’s true friends—you know who you are—for being there for her. Advanced Happy Easter, everyone.