Last July, I was supposed to witness the wedding of a niece as one of the godparents, but enhanced monsoon rains flooded our home on the night before the wedding, which made it impossible for me to attend the affair.
This is what I would have wanted to share to the soon-to-be parents as well as with the new generation parents who are now going or about to go through the same joys and challenges my wife and I went through.
I belong to the so-called “boomer generation,” born in the 1950s and ’60s, an era that saw a boom in births after World War II. We became parents from around the 1970s to the ’90s.
As a senior now in my late 60s, I believe I have earned my stripes as a scarred veteran in the parental trenches. So I hope you will indulge me as I relate some anecdotes and experiences that can provide a few lessons for young and would-be parents.
It our time, boomer parents liked to exchange notes and commiserate with each other. One friend, Del, used to pour out his frustrations and dismay about his young adult daughter who seemed bent on defying parental authority, even when it was for her own good. “To think I sacrificed everything for her! Whatever she asked for, I gave it to her.” That was his frequent refrain. Diagnosed with juvenile diabetes, his daughter neglected to take her medicine and worse she did not want to see the doctor anymore. To aggravate the already tense standoff, she would go home late at night in spite of her condition. Del’s daughter believed she knew better and wanted her parents to leave her alone. She responded negatively to every advice her parents would give her. Listening to Del, I could feel the mixed feelings of anxiety, pain of rejection and deep disappointment and frustration.
But Del was not alone. Arthur, a father in his mid-50s, an office mate of mine was also having problems with his youngest boy then going 20. His son didn’t seem to have any inclination to finish college. He said he wanted to work, which was fine with his parents but he never took the initiative to apply for work. His daily routine consisted of playing computer games all night, then sleeping all day. On weekends, he would go out with his band mates for all night jamming. And from time to time he would go out malling. Guess who is paying for his expenses? Arthur said he couldn’t bring himself to go too hard on his son. He did not want to employ physical punishment the way his father did when he was a wayward teen. That’s because he could see himself in him when he was still young. He was hoping that sooner or later his son would shape up the way he did after college when he finally settled down.
My question then was: are the children of baby boomers too spoiled, smug or defiant? Do they have a sense of entitlement? Or was there something wrong with our generation’s parenting style?
These are the same questions that millennial parents are now confronted with. How can today’s young parents fulfill the needs of their teenage children without spoiling them? How do they protect their children without being over protective? How do they teach them right from wrong without appearing to be too imposing? How do they tell their kid what’s best for him without being too coercive? How does a parent put his foot down without being a KJ or despotic?
I notice that millennial parents are just like boomer parents in our tendency to over-indulge and do everything for their children, making it easy for them to acquire material possessions. When their adolescents and teens ask for the latest cell phone or gadget, they lose no time in buying it for them even when they don’t really need it. Partly because millennial parents are also into this thing!
We boomer parents were criticized then for raising a “Smug Generation” of children who grew up appearing to be more sure of themselves, feeling they knew better than their parents. My friend Del’s daughter whom I was talking about was one example of a teen with attitude.
I see the same thing happening today. Young parents seem eager to build up the confidence of their children too easily. On social media, millennial parents are quick to post every little accomplishment of their children as if they were God’s gift to their generation, even if they don’t merit it. My advice is: don’t be too fast to prop up your kid, give recognition or be proud of them if they have not earned it first. They’ll grow up getting addicted to undeserved adulation and praise, which can have tragic consequences. One high-school student committed suicide after being made to realize she was not as good as her overpraising parents made her think.
When we are not overindulging or overpraising, we tend to over protect our children. Then as now, countless teenagers are being told by their mothers that they know what’s best for them. Be careful you don’t turn into what we then called “velco parents” as in sticky. Don’t fuss over them too much or they will start feeling suffocated to the point of mentally tuning out.
Needless to say, new generation parents should learn to let go of parenting roles that are no longer necessary. When our kids were still babies and younger children, we needed to be a protector and caretaker, provider and role model. When they become teens and young adults, we need to be a gentle, graceful and compassionate source of wisdom. Moving appropriately into and out of these roles is what parenting is all about.
To me, the key to successful parenting is trust and communication. You need to keep the communication line open. If you stop communicating, then you’ve lost your child. But to keep the communication lines open, you need to build trust. Trust leads to respect for each other. Respect implies a relationship with boundaries.
My most effective technique is to be more of a mentor or coach. Like a good coach, I establish my authority but at the same time let him understand that I know what’s best for him because I have been there. But I would give him enough space in which to grow or improve. I let him know I am not perfect so I can in effect tell him he’s also a work in progress.
By all means, give your kid space to move and create for himself. But freedom entails responsibility and wisdom or it is wasted. Instill in him the wisdom that freedom is “not the right to do as we please, but as the opportunity to do what is right.”
Instead of hectoring him, let him know the consequences, directly or obliquely. In my case, I also gave my son enough rope to hang himself, so to speak. There was a time when he used to play computer games way past midnight and still wake up early for school. I told him that lack of sleep would weaken his resistance and make him susceptible to colds and other respiratory infections. He wouldn’t listen. I just let him go on with his computer game bingeing. Sure enough, he got a bad case of respiratory infection and had to be admitted to the hospital. It was a lesson he never forgot. Now he’s in bed by 10 and panics when he runs out of immunity-boosting vitamins.
Never shield them from difficult and hard situations. An old English proverb says, “A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.” Only the storms in their lives can prepare your teens to skillfully weather the sea of adulthood. Rather than shielding kids from adversity, equip them to persevere. Never be too severe about him making mistakes. Encourage him to take risks. The successful coach John Calipari used to tell his players: “If you want to build your own self-confidence, what is the hardest thing to do? Whatever that is, do it over and over. Don’t do what’s easy for you.” If your kid asks: “What if I fall?” Tell him: “Oh, but what if you fly?”
One word before I exit. We boomers have made a mess of our country. We are leaving you a society that has devalued our golden beliefs and values so much that we now have low expectations of our leaders. So many things repugnant and intolerable in a decent, moral, ethical society have now become prevalent. Cursing is normal on media, sowing hate and sharing fake news is par, bending and weaponizing the law to justify selfish agenda is now hailed as acceptable. I apologize on behalf of my generation. Now the responsibility to clean up our mess is on your shoulders. How you will do it as new generation parents, I won’t presume to tell you. But you must find a way before it’s too late or the society in which our children and their children will grow up in will be a more “rotten” one, in Shakespearean terms.
In the end, as parents you must realize that, just like our kids, we too are imperfect, a work in progress, an unfinished project but progressing. When our children realize that their parents are still growing and learning, they are likely to have greater compassion for their own weaknesses and stop acting smug when we give them advice. The thing about parenting is that it is not neat, orderly, or quiet. It requires a certain relish for confusion.
Like what I told Del and Arthur when they were feeling so despondent about their situation, “parenting is not for perfect people; if that were so, no one would qualify.”