IN Batanes in northern Philippines, “Honk UR Horn” signs are posted at every blind curve on steep, winding, narrow two-lane roads to prevent cars from bumping into each other.
But that’s nothing compared to the steep mountain road depicted in the film 3 Faces by Iranian film director Jafar Panahi. In some sections of the road, it becomes too narrow for two vehicles. When a vehicle reaches those parts, the driver must honk his horn to signal that he is there. If someone else is also around the bend, he also needs to honk his presence. Depending on the number of honks, the drivers determine who needs to go first, perhaps because of an emergency.
It is a custom devised by villagers that is the essence of consideration for other’s welfare, and putting others first through kindness and patience.
This is what came to my mind when someone at our office butted in and said busina ka muna to a colleague who was speaking too bluntly for comfort during a meeting.
Nowadays, I have noted that people never bother to “honk first” before blurting a hurtful or spiteful comment or bulldozing their way to win an argument. Even in casual friendly chats, we sometimes fail to mind what we say.
Yes, frankness is a virtue but do we have to be brutally frank? I know that one mustn’t baby the offender, but can we not be more sensitive and considerate about other people’s feelings and predicament?
One time, someone in government announced a new policy that would hurt public utility drivers who were asking for more time to consider their plight. His reaction was blunt and capped with expletives: “Damn them, they can go hungry for all I care.” This is like Marie Antoinette saying, “Let them eat cake!” Or a lady senator who was reported to utter a dismissive statement in response to complaints of medical frontliners: “They just have to work harder.”
Crassness, coarseness, vulgarity, invectives, threats—these are the order of the day. Four letter words said on primetime news do not shock us anymore. When our leaders curse and spit out vulgarities, people seem to love it. The man is totoo. Lalaking lalaki. Barako.
In today’s culture, gentleness of speech is viewed as one of those effete virtues lacking in charisma or clout and therefore unappealing. I can only console myself by what Eric Hoffer said: “Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.”
Rudeness seems to be the new norm, not just in words but also in deed. Normal is people cutting ahead in line at the supermarket counter because they assume their three items would go through quicker than your 20 items, and somehow that gives them the right-of-way. On the road, it’s normal to see vehicles changing lane abruptly or going counter flow at the slightest opportunity. It’s called nanlalamang.
Coarseness and rudeness are contagious like a virus. One psychologist observes: “Even witnessing rudeness is enough for us to become infected, psychologically, and for us to carry it with us after that. If someone is persistently rude to you at work, say, the psychological effects can lead to physical effects, just as we know stress can.”
Social media has probably opened the door to this new attitude of rudeness. The fact that there is no eye contact on social media and that there are zero consequences to online actions contribute to online rudeness and trolls. The anonymity of the Internet acts like a kind of an intoxicant, freeing us from inhibitions, making us say things to strangers that we would never dare to say if we personally met them.
But being rude is not the Filipino way. We are better than this. We are a respectful culture. What happened to our age-old value of pakiramdam? Has it been lost in our rush to embrace modern technology, which is now shaping the way we talk and behave? Seldom do I now hear such courteous words like pasintabi po, mawalang galang po. Have we become a careless society?
From childhood, the Filipino is encouraged to cultivate his sense of pakiramdam. The closest term in English is “sensitivity.” It is pakiramdam that guides the Filipino how to behave properly, how to use the proper gestures or expressions to avoid displeasing a loved one, a family member, a friend, or a superior.
There are many dimensions and layers to the virtue and the practice of pakiramdam, but one thing is very clear about it: The feeling is oriented towards the other person and not oriented towards one’s self or pagka-makasarili. In other words, it’s about respect for the other person’s feelings, his amor propio.
But to me the best meaning of pakiramdam is the “capacity for compassion, empathy and sympathy.” As in nararamdaman ko ang iyong dinaranas. The most damning statement that one can say about a person is: Walang pakiramdam! Manhid!
Let’s awaken our sense of pakiramdam and not be complicit in the continuance of rudeness and coarseness in our daily lives. Next time our inner snarky demon feels like emerging, let’s toot ourselves with an inner busina that instinctively warns us of the narrow road ahead. A careless or brusque comment, as small as it may seem to the speaker, can cut like a knife as the song goes.
Civility must start at home. If we can be a model to our kids, showing consideration and respect towards each other, then maybe they will behave that way too outside the home.
Let’s transform social media into a breeding ground for good manners, one friend or follower at a time. Always be more circumspect in your choice of words online. Think before you hit send.
And when we go out and interact with those in the outside world, let’s try to be more gracious. We can acknowledge the guard at the mall or the teller at the bank with a smile and warm greeting, or the food service worker with a wish that she or he will “have a nice day.”
On the road, we can drive with caution and deference for others, rather than trying to beat other drivers to the next opportunity. Let’s refrain from giving the dirty finger or nasty hand gestures or epithets to encourage civility in others.
There’s this often-quoted injunction attributed to Plato: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” Be especially sensitive to the feelings of young fragile people on their way to fulfilling their dreams. They have opened up themselves to you and are counting on your wisdom and pakiramdam to guide them. In confronting them for their mistakes and fumbles, keep in mind the words of the Irish poet William Butler Yeats:
“I have spread my dreams under your feet
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.”