WE were all busy with work when two of my colleagues started discussing excitedly how to get to a particular place. I knew where it was and when they were going off track, I told them she should take another route. I was cut off with furious eyes and these words: “Mind your own business.” I apologized but she kept on ranting about how people should not rudely interrupt a conversation. I just shook my head and went back to work and ignored them. She was worth neither the time nor the effort.
Conflict can arise out of something as trivial as an offhand comment, or a build-up of pent-up annoyance. But before even engaging someone in conflict, think carefully what the issue is all about. For me, it was rude of me to interrupt so I apologized and moved on. Engage in a conflict only when they are truly important and it can affect the way you work in the office. Remember, there are issues which take a lot of time so think first if the time investment is worth the effort. If you feel the issue will be dragged on with no added value to you, nip it in the bud and walk away. A good test to see if it is worth the effort is to ask yourself what good will come out of winning the argument. Is the gain worth the loss? What will you lose? Is the loss going to affect the way you work? If the benefits far outweigh the aggravation, then it could be worth it. But if not, stop.
When provoked, our instinct is to be defensive. Your best course of action is to not react immediately. A good rule of thumb is when in doubt, do not go for the easy comeback. Learn to bite your tongue when you are angry. I have had my share of sarcastic and glib remarks which got me in trouble on more than one occasion. Another rule I try to keep in mind is to distinguish the issue from the person. Sometimes we are quick to say something because we already have preconceived notions of the person. So before you react, stop and think.
If a conflict cannot be avoided, choose the right time to have a discussion. You cannot have a productive dialogue if people are watching or when there are urgent tasks. Agree and choose a time to talk about what the issue is and if possible, ask a neutral third party to mediate. This will ensure a respectful and conciliatory atmosphere for settling differences.
During the discussion, it will help if you think of the person as a teammate and not your enemy. Nobody goes to work intentionally wanting to disrupt and pester their coworkers. What they do have is an opinion on how to make the work faster and easier for themselves and for everyone else—in that order. Maybe they have not considered how others would be affected. It would help to make them realize it without having to go through conflict.
When you do talk to the person you are arguing with, stick to the facts. Sometimes, you need to bring people to an awareness of how their actions affect others. If emotions are high, stick to the facts. Acknowledge what they are saying but point them to how it affected you and others around them. But also, choose your words carefully because your choice of words reflects what you are thinking. Listen also to what they are not saying so you can ask for clarifications and for you to understand how to come up with a resolution which is acceptable to all.
Part of why arguments sometimes get blown out of proportion is the assumption that the other person knows what you are talking about. People are not mind-readers. Lay down the facts so you can clearly sort out where the disconnect is and move to a place where both of you can agree. After agreeing on the set of facts, base your arguments around and ONLY around those accepted facts.
But when you do find you are at fault, acknowledge it right away. This paves the way for people to let their guards down and possibly admit their own mistakes. Conflicts happen because of differences in points of view and you cannot totally absolve yourself from the issue. Do not minimize your part in the conflict. Conversely, do not also put all the blame on the other person. And when you feel enraged and aggravated, use Hanlon’s Razor: “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.” Sometimes, people have simply not carefully weighed their actions.
After all of these, agree on the best outcome for both of you and commit to the agreed action plans. And when there is really no way to compromise, just agree to disagree. If it is a losing battle, walk away. There is no use beating a dead horse. I had a friend before who decided to leave the organization because he inadvertently found out they were taking advantage of him. A colleague asked him to stay and think of all the benefits he would be losing and the business relationships he has forged along the way. Another colleague just straight up congratulated him and wished him luck. Clearly, the second colleague understood the long-term value of self-worth and acceptance better than the first colleague who saw value in profit over self-respect. The differing points of view notwithstanding, my friend was happier in a new organization which gave him more freedom to be creative and where his contributions are valued.
So instead of mucking about and feeling defeated, pick yourself up. Acknowledge how you felt and what the conflict did to you. Understand why you felt that way and then look at what you can do. One of the worst feelings you can succumb to is self-pity—pitying yourself because you feel so helpless. Focus on what you can do instead of feeling sorry for yourself. Be proactive in looking for tasks which will bolster your productivity and nurture your professional growth. Choosing which battles to fight ultimately will help you avoid building resentment for other people and increase your time to focus on the more important things in life which make you happy. Life will always be a series of choices and it is up to you whether you choose to be embroiled in conflict which could have been avoided, or just head in the direction which will give you exceeding happiness and lasting peace of mind.