WE all avoided her. And when we had to talk to her, it always felt like we were walking on eggshells because she could find dissatisfaction in a thing as simple as the shade of a coworker’s lipstick. We have all had bosses who strike fear in our hearts even if they do not intend to, and we subconsciously cower when they walk past us (think Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada).
And yet we still follow them even on tiptoes because they are experts in their field and they are the boss. But you end up feeling drained, exhausted, and caught between pleasing your boss and losing yourself. But don’t you ever wonder how much more you could have done for yourself if they were not so disagreeable? That was one of the questions that Daniel Goleman tried to answer when he published the book Emotional Intelligence in 1995.
What is Emotional Intelligence (EI)? It is basically understanding your own and other’s emotions. It has five components, one of which is self-awareness, or being mindful of your own feelings, how they affect others, and how other’s feelings affect you.
You have emotional intelligence when you do not let those feelings control how you deal with others. Self-regulation is another component where you refrain from being compulsive and you deliberately think of the consequences of your actions (think Marshmallow test). Another component is your motivation which helps you see how your decisions will benefit the whole team and how your intent is shown in your actions. The other component is empathy where you listen and understand what others need or want. And the last one is social agility, which is how you adapt to different scenarios and how you work with people.
You can take tests to check for your EI but you can also get an idea of your EI levels by asking yourself several questions like the following: Do people think of you as an empathetic person? Do you get along with people from different backgrounds and temperaments? Do you take offense when people give you constructive criticism? Do you set boundaries and are not afraid to say “no” when needed? Do you have trouble asserting yourself or taking charge? Do you admit your mistakes, apologize, and move on? Are you a great listener? Do you also share your feelings and are not afraid to be vulnerable to others? Do you hold grudges? These are just some of the questions you can start with but for more accurate results, you might want to go to a licensed professional.
Understanding your EI levels will help you improve them and cope with the negative people in your team. You can focus more on the big picture and let logic and reasoning drive changes in your team rather than forcibly demanding them to comply by shouting or blaming, or, worse, resorting to mind games. The big picture helps you deliberate without losing sight of how your decision will affect others. Also, emotionally intelligent leaders have the capability to manage conflicts without demotivating the team, along with the proficiency to create an environment where their teams are motivated to perform well because they understand how to deal with their team as a group and as individual members. But more importantly, leaders with high EI levels can also take criticism well and use these to improve themselves and set an example in humility and patience.
With all these elements of EI, can it be developed? You may have observed that some people are innately gregarious, socially agile, and naturally draw people to themselves. This may have been brought about by several factors in their nature and the way they were nurtured. For people lacking the proclivity to be affable, like me for example, you need to work on it. I am naturally introverted so imagine me teaching and training other people. I was able to overcome my shyness by constantly exposing myself to situations where I had to talk to people especially when I was already leading a team. So, yes, like any other skill or behavior, it can be developed.
But you can only know what you need to improve if you take the time to reflect and be self-aware. What makes you happy? What ticks you off? Why does it tick you off? Understanding what sets you off will help you prevent it from being a full-blown attack against the first person to cross you. Do not dismiss your emotions, especially the negative ones. They are indicators of underlying issues you have not fully resolved. And personal issues have a way of seeping into how you manage other people, so start by self-reflection and a good inventory of your emotions.
At the heart of emotional intelligence is empathy or being able to put yourself in another person’s shoes. And the best way to do that is to talk to people. But be warned that knowing how the other person feels does not mean you kowtow to whatever they want, or you use those motivations to take advantage. It means you are in a better position to manage yourself and the other person to arrive at a compromise.
Stop blaming others for how you feel and take responsibility for your own actions and behavior. You are in control of your emotions. If someone irritates you and you do not work well with the person, do not let them get under your skin. Again, understand where the negative emotions are coming from and see if you can do something about it. If not, do not give it the power to rob you off your joy. Instead, focus on seeing the good in others and if needed, just walk away. Learn how to control your reaction and when you feel you slighted, stop and ask yourself why the other person made you feel that way.
More importantly, having a high level of emotional intelligence also helps you avoid being sucked into the negative world of toxic people, and at the same time it gives you the fortitude and self-respect to just walk away. Toxic people are those who only talk about themselves and their achievements and do nothing but receive without giving anything back. They pursue their own interests and manipulate people to get what they want because they use their expertise to their own advantage. They may have the highest productivity in their organization but if their team does not respect them, their influence is only as good as their titles.