HERE is another addition to my series, “Diary of a Mom With No Limits.” Last Sunday was Mother’s Day, and for some reason it made me suddenly reflect on the word “nurture.” It made me realize how I have always wanted to be a mother. More than that, it made me think of my unique “firstborn.”
Her name is Joan. I am almost 10 years her senior. Although at first I dreamt of having a baby brother, she was truly a gift to me from the day she was born. I remember loving her so much that I volunteered to wash her diapers in the afternoons just so her nanny could properly watch over her. It’s quite normal that everyone was there when she was laughing and playing, but when it came to changing the diapers, it seemed I was always the one designated to do the task. I think this excerpt from her Mother’s Day post in 2017 sums it all up:
“I didn’t grow up with a ‘mom’, or at least what the truest sense of the word means which for me was a person who gave unconditional love and sacrifice for her children, someone who fits the phrase ‘with all thy faults, I love thee still,’ and someone who would be the first person a child would call for in times of need….
“As I grew older, from my teens and all the way to my early 20s, the universe had its own magical way of correcting things and gifted me with the courage and humility to see myself for who I truly was—a damaged, traumatized, ugly being who had the opportunity to admit fault and change. It was painful, it was hard, and boy was it agonizing and psychologically tiring. But throughout all of the complications, the universe had my back because every step of the way: I had a mother-figure who gave me strength and hope….
“In this journey of practice, empathy and loving the universe, I would not have been able to get out of my slump and escape… without the help of a strong ‘mother’ who was my sister, Maye Yao.
“I grew up with Maye as my ‘disciplinarian,’ this kontrabida would KJ her way into my curfew, allowance and punishments. But growing up, I would tell peopl, ‘She raised me,’ but really, it was still that little sister talking, that same little sister who would just copy whatever Maye liked from the favorite color purple, to liking Matchbox 20 and Sugar Ray, because in my eyes, it was the ‘cool’ thing, because I always thought she was the coolest sister to have.
“But each year that I get older, I see more and more how much my sister is really an incredible mom to me, my niece, my nephew, and even to my dad. In all my years of growing up… it’s only in the past 15 years that I truly agreed with the mama-themed songs…I have never met a person who will slice herself in as many ways needed just so she can help all of us even to the point of putting our well-being ahead of hers. She knows the importance of being psychologically healthy—that this is the only way to continue being selfless, sane and ‘whole’ despite everyone wanting a piece of you. It’s one of the most valuable lessons I continuously learn from her.
“We are 10 years apart, and now that I am 30, I still have miles and miles of dirt I need to work on myself. Today, Maye and I don’t share the same views on everything about life, but I know she loves me despite all my faults, despite our conflicts, and despite how different we really are as individuals on this planet…. In many ways, I guess that is what a mother does: they don’t force you to conform to what they want you to be, they allow you and support you to who YOU want to be, and making sure you know that they have your backs every step of the way.
“So to my sister Maye Yao, thank you for rescuing me from the downward spiral of where I was headed, and making me believe that being a mom is really a beautiful and priceless job to have. I would like to think that I am now ‘the cool one,’ but you will always still be the greatest person to have in my life.”
With her kind words, I want to say to Joan:
I feel luckier because you paved my way of loving motherhood. Our memories both stern and sweet, have been my pillars of strength. In our darkest days as a family, it was never a question nor a sacrifice to have been there for you. I did it because my love for you would not have allowed it any other way. And as much as you tested my patience when you were growing up, you also showed me that my love as a mom is strongest not when you are winning or on my side, but in knowing who you are, your weaknesses, and choosing to root for your happiness and fulfillment no matter what. Thank you for being a great motivator to Meagan and Marcus. Thank you for making me love life more like throwing me that surprise birthday/congratulatory party after I passed the teacher’s exam.
So for this Mother’s Day, Joan, for all the years you have given me such nice messages, I want to pass the toast to you and my two kids, as thanks for allowing me to be the best source of nurture I can be for the three of you. Thank you for being my “firstborn.” Thank you for being the “J” in my nurture.
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