LAST week, I shared my struggles and experiences with my kids’ school life. I shared how I evolved to acknowledging the vital role teachers play in my children’s development. This week, let me share the general principles I have arrived at in fostering a more collaborative relationship with teachers.
1. A perfect school is a myth. No school is perfect; no parent is perfect; and no child is perfect… which is “perfectly” fine (love the appropriateness of this adverb) because the world our kids will enter is definitely not perfect.
Similarly, we need to accept that our kids’ teachers, despite not being perfect, are trying their best. They are learning things along the way. When the teacher is young, we fear their lack of experience. When the teacher is older, we fear their inflexibility. I try to pick up the good things in both situations. I always remember my Grade 2 teacher, Ms. Liu, who was on her first year of teaching. She was handling fairly straightforward Chinese Reading and Language classes, but managed to motivate us with fun rewards. Thirty-one years later, I was so lucky she was able to teach my son when he was also in second grade. Now, she is a bit older and stricter but still has the same love for her students.
2. School life is real-world practice for our kids. I am often asked which I think is a good school. Personally, I choose schools for the values the institution can teach my children. This implies that the school’s culture and rules aid my efforts in instilling the values I try to develop at home. So at the onset, I knew I had to abide by the school’s style of administration. I can ask. I may not agree with all of them. My kids might be affected negatively by some rules, but the minute they step in school grounds, that is the set of societal rules that applies. I want my kids to know that rules apply to everyone—that if they choose to break any of them, they must be ready to face the consequences of their actions.
I also believe that school is the best place for our kids’ to see how X efforts bring that Y results for them. This enables them to see their strengths and weakness in subjects and learning skills, and hopefully discover that optimum “effort” formula for themselves. Whether my child gets a low, average or high grade has always been peripheral; what I ask of them is to know how they got there. I believe this makes them own up to their work early on. It is also a good preparation for them to become self-sufficient adults one day.
3. Parent-teacher cooperation vs. collision results in more accountable children. As it is in the real world, things do not always go our way.
At times, we even feel that what is “right” is so relative. I always tell my kids to start with their core right or wrong. If they feel they are right, they should voice it out.
Meagan has always been an overly candid child. She used to feel so misunderstood because she felt she was just telling the truth. Whenever she got misinterpreted and called to their guidance office, she would just keep quiet. One time she did not speak up for the false accusations one of her classmates made against her. In the end, she received a very heavy blow of punishment from the school. It was painful for me as a parent to see all her hard work in academics, sports and leadership set aside by the school. But I knew it was a teaching moment. I told her it is not enough to be right, you need to be able to communicate and make your points. If there were actions you did that might have been misinterpreted, reflect if it was worth doing them to begin with. As I said these words, I kept close and hugged my daughter. It was not said in an “I told you so” moment, nor was it a tirade on the school’s decision. It was stated as a “done” moment that she needed to rise from and do better.
Amid all these, the school and I were in open communication. We may have not seen all points eye to eye but in the end, they assured me that they had my daughter’s best interest at heart. I thought to myself then, “Meagan is young. It is better for her to learn these life lessons now.” It has been a few years since that incident. Recently, I was able to touch base with the principal during orientation. She commended Meagan for her vast improvement. I thanked the school for supporting Meagan in MTAP, basketball and fencing.
In the end, our kids can only benefit from school the most if we as parents let the school perform their tasks on education and formation. As long as you are assured that the school has your child’s best long-term interest at heart, in my experience there is truly much to gain with having a more collaborative parent-teacher relationship.