LAST week, I shared my childhood experiences on the gift of communication from the nurturing people around me. I also shared what I learned from the book How to Be the Parent You Always Wanted to Be by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. This week, let me share my communication journey with my now 13-year-old daughter and nine-year-old son.
Through the years, I learned to accept the fact that each of my children are unique. Their personalities differ. Affections are expressed and received in varied ways. However, what has been clear and constant to me from the onset was: “I want to know my children well, both the good sides and the not-so favorable, their strengths and their weaknesses… so I could love and guide them the best way I know how.”
Below are some of the principles of parent-child communication my husband and I continue to apply today:
1. GET TO KNOW YOUR CHILD. This starts when your child is a baby. I shared in my July 5, 2018, column, titled “My fundamentals of fundamentals: Sensory development,” that performing sensory play allows us to know our child’s personality and learning style early on. In their toddler-preschool years, our weekly game nights was a welcome surprise. My son would throw all the bingo cards when someone would win first. I always thought he was a timid boy. I did not know he had that competitive side in him.
2. MENTORIAL FRIENDSHIP. Many of us aim to be called our kids’ best friend. This is good as it allows openness of thoughts and ideas in our homes. I have learned, however, that parental authority must never get diluted. Today, I have trekked my own path, called “mentorial friendship.” This reminds me of my parental role to guide by example; to lead my kids to be the best they want to be; and to be a friend they can rely on especially in the rainiest of days.
One of the best ways we practice this is when we invite our kids to join us in the search for solutions. First, since they were toddlers I have fostered my kids to ask questions. I hypothesized that building an open relationship is no different from learning concepts like math. If we start them young, it would become second nature to them. Both my kids ask a lot of questions. We would google things, like who invented playing cards. It takes a lot of patience and energy to answer, especially when you just want to relax after a long day at work or on weekends, but I know today that it has been all worth it. Second, I have been solving puzzles with them since they were two. From two, four, six and eight to more than hundreds of pieces, we would first do them together, then them only, and then make a game out of it.
3. LISTEN AND COLLABORATE. When kids share an experience, listen first. Don’t assume you have gone through the same thing, or you know what they are going through. School scenarios are more complicated now. I have noticed letting them speak first gives them a feeling of being in control of the situation. It gives them space to breathe and think. When it comes to my turn to share experiences or offer advice, it becomes a friendly exchange of fascination and empathy. I call this “guiding from the sidelines.”
4. TRUST IS KEY. It is good to recognize from the start that our connection with our child is first and foremost a relationship. Any good relationship must start and continue with trust. Thus, as parents, we need to be more accountable for our actions. This is more true as our kids mature into their teenage years. Because the level of trust, whether in kids seeing the results of our advice, or them seeing our own personal decisions on infidelity or deceit toward others, sets the “volume” on how much they would want to “listen.”
5. RELAXED BONDING. We have scheduled “Alone Times” with each of my kids as early as when they were four. These days are free from any agenda. It could be satisfying a craving for Masil Korean food or Chicken McNuggets at McDonald’s. Whatever or wherever it may be, it is a time for us to just be together.
Now that my daughter is 13 and my son is nine, I am happy with how we communicate as a family. Each one of us might be born a bit “bull headed,” but we love each other to respect our strong views. We know that whatever situation we encounter outside, our home is a safe space to be sad, be angry or just laugh.
When my daughter was in Grade 5, the school spoke to me about Meagan being too candid with her views. I explained to the teacher that I encourage my kids at home to say what’s on their mind because I like to know their real thoughts. The teacher explained that some kids are not raised that way. When I got home, I discussed with Meagan how to filter her opinions. Then I asked her if maybe the way we communicate in the house was too open. She immediately said, “Mom, I will be better in school. Please don’t change anything in the house. I like it the way it is.”
Happy parent-child communication, everyone.