WHEN I was growing up, I liked observing parent-child relationships of people around me. I would see the irony of friends who had the strictest parents ending up first to form those forbidden relationships. I had a friend who as early as Grade 5 rebelled tremendously against his family. I also got a preview from friends who were lucky to experience unconditional love from their families at their lowest times.
When I was in my late teens, I remember hearing one of my aunts expressing her surprise that we turned out well despite our parents’ marital issues, not to mention their thoroughly busy schedules. For me, it was largely because of communication. My nanny was there to ask me about my day as early as when I was in kindergarten. When I was teased by a boy, she would listen to the details and then advise me to be tough. When I was nervous for a test, she would encourage me with a prize if I get a good grade. When I came out from class and got a star, she would push me to do better the next day and get even more stars. I felt the key was that I never felt any fear or shame in relating any part of my day.
More than that, my grand relatives were great in explaining our parents’ situation. When we heard screaming, they would hug and comfort us. When our parents were not there for birthdays or any awarding, they would give this a positive spin and tell us our parents were working very hard for our future and so we should also do our part in school.
Our parents would spend more time with us on Sundays and vacations. Those pockets of time were filled with critical conversations and stories to guide us for future situations.
When I became a parent, I had fears on how to effectively relate with my child. I was unsure on how to balance being a friend and a disciplinarian. Like many parents, I dreaded the scenario where my kids have come into their teen years and they get into substance abuse problems. But my biggest fear was having a child who would be one person in the house, and then be his or her true self in an external environment. I did plenty of research on this as early as when my daughter turned 2. One of the resources I found really helpful was the book How to Be the Parent You Always Wanted to Be by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
Below are some of the practical lessons I learned:
1. When children’s unhappy feelings are denied or dismissed, children often become more upset.
2. Even a logical solution from the parent doesn’t help.
3. It is good at times to just listen.
4. Sometimes an “oh” or “mmmm” lets them know you understand.
5. Sometimes it helps if you can name the feeling.
6. Most children appreciate it when you give them in fantasy what they can’t have in reality.
7. You can accept children’s feelings even when you need to stop or limit their actions.
Now that my kids are 13 and 9, I realize the tips in the book that I used the most were solving problems together with your kids. Whether it is about being afraid to try something new or being reprimanded in school, I would start by listening and acknowledging their feelings. Then I would invite them to search for the solutions. First listen to them, then go through the pros and cons with them, then work out a plan they know they can do. It was important for me from the start to see that this is happening to my child and not to me. I empathize but I allow my child to “drive”.
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WE celebrated Meagan’s 5th birthday with a trip to Enchanted Kingdom with our family.
There was a trampoline ride she saw and excitedly wanted to try. When it came for me to buy the tickets, she had a change of heart. We calmly found a seat nearby. I asked her why. She shrugged her shoulders.
I asked if she was afraid. She nodded. I asked her if she still wanted to try. She was quiet. I felt she wanted to but was overwhelmed by the height it went up to. Both of us were just there sitting down and watching people do the trampoline. I asked different questions and made different observations each time a person finished the ride. Do you imagine going up? I believe you are a brave girl. Didn’t the person look so happy after finishing the ride? I know you can do it.
After more than 30 minutes of back and forth with her, she finally decided to try the ride. After she did, she was jumping with joy as she came out of the ride. It was really helpful that my husband, my dad and our in-laws were very patient about the situation. I watched the video again this weekend and heard all the cheers she got from my dad, her nanny, my husband and my in-laws as she jumped higher and higher, with her smile getting wider and wider.
This was pivotal in my communication journey with Meagan because it showed her that she could be open about her wants and feelings to us. We did not go hard on her for changing her mind. We believed enough in her that she could do it. We were patient enough to wait till she was ready. And, more importantly, she knew that trying the trampoline was her decision to make. In the end, the elation and confidence she gained was priceless. This was similar to what happened with her first ballet recital.
Next week, let me share my own list of practical tips on communicating with kids.