All of us are given opportunities to negotiate. Children negotiate with their parents as to their curfew. Students appeal to their professor for leniency. Amateur golfers like me negotiate with each other for handicaps for friendly bets. Those who buy in a market will haggle for the best deals possible. Almost all business contracts are concluded only after a series of exchange of offers and counteroffers.
My law professor in “Contract Negotiations,” a subject I took during my masters in law class a few years back, opined that the most critical factor that will spell the difference in successful negotiations is how we communicate. He considered negotiations as successful when both parties arrive at a fair and reasonable agreement even though they did not get what they originally wanted. How we express our position, in words or in action, will dictate the reaction of the other. Thus, negotiators ought to heed the advice of the Bible as it is written in Colossians 4:6, “Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone.” Saying and doing things nicely does not cost us anything, except pride and ego perhaps, but they can mean everything in negotiations. One must let go of his ego to be a skillful negotiator.
Excellent communication skills require a high level of empathy. While they may appear similar, empathy is different from sympathy. Empathy is being vicariously aware of the feeling of another, whereas sympathy is understanding your own feeling as a result of another’s situation. Empathy is especially helpful in negotiations as it builds rapport and enhances the relationship. According to Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator and author of the book, Never Split the Difference, the most effective strategy in negotiations is to “focus on what the other person wants instead.” Being able to see things from the perspective of another will actually result to greater influence and deeper trust. Voss further said that successful negotiation hinges on the negotiator’s ability to surrender his urge, or need to be “right.”
I witnessed one negotiator, CLF, who did more listening than speaking. He admitted that part of his initial mindset was to talk more since he wanted greater control of the discussions. In the course of the negotiations, he ended up listening and eventually understanding the position of the other side. He paraphrased what the other was saying, perhaps for clarity, but in truth, it was his way of showing empathy. He clearly understood that the opposing positions are usually driven by emotions and not logic. In his book, Voss said, “A surprisingly high percentage of negotiations have more to do with self-esteem, status and other non-financial needs.” Whenever CLF spoke, he spoke gently like a father to a son, following what the Bible tells use in Proverbs 15:4 which says, “The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.”
Aside from being a skillful communicator, a good negotiator must be mindful of the nonverbal gestures, make use of open-ended questions, listen very attentively, and most important, stay patient. Body language reveals the true intention of a person. He can say one thing but his body—eyes, hands, facial expressions can say another. According to Voss, open-ended questions, as opposed to those answerable by yes or no, are also useful to gather the right information and show interest in the other party’s response. Contrary to what most people think, listening is a form of communication. When a negotiator sits back and simply listens, his eyes and ears are actually sharper like a good intelligence officer, or a seasoned surveillance agent. In the process, the negotiator separates facts from feelings and eventually understands the bigger picture—all parties lose if they fail to agree.
While developing empathy skills requires a long process, it starts with the awareness that the negotiation is never about you or your position. It is more about the patient yet relentless pursuit of knowing the other. Whether the negotiations deal with hostage taking, a multimillion investment, a labor dispute, or a simple disagreement as to what movie to watch, patience always produce positive results. In the Bible, Proverbs 14:29 tells us, “Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.”
Understanding the root cause of the conflict by way of effective communication, empathy, and patience leads to success, not in terms of the outcome but more about the journey. Success is different from winning negotiations. US legendary basketball coach and inspirational speaker, John Wooden, said that success occurs if a person does the best as he can and tries to improve the situation given him. He said that winning is like reputation while success is like character—“Your reputation is what you’re perceived to be; your character is what you really are.”
In all negotiations, seek not to win but to succeed.
For questions and comments, please e-mail me at sbmison@gmail.com.