THERE are a lot of things that are forever showing up on my newsfeed like “Five Ways to Avoid Testicular Cancer,” etc.
The thing with these articles is that they’re very specific and, for the record, I didn’t ask for it. Someday I may contract cancer, sure. Does it really have to grow in my cojones?
But no matter how unlikely, still, there’s a part of me that says this can be God’s punchline, telling me that I should evaluate my life. Do I ride a bike with no handlebars à la Lance Armstrong? Did I teethe too hard?
Every so often, I would cross-check some of my phantom pains with symptoms of diseases on Google. Oftentimes the results would strike me as scary. Once, as per my own research, I had what I diagnosed as a bunion, which I gleaned would likely result in serious complications and—gasp!—ultimately lead to sudden death!
If these don’t warrant a call to the emergency hotline, they call for very radical changes. Aside from cutting back on sugar and MSG, I also learned from these articles that some seemingly “healthy” food are actually bad for you.
For instance, you can put your finger on salad dressings for a flaccid penis; organic ketchup causes your pink parts to lose their glow.
With hair loss, I took the words of the balding and basked in their wisdom. Someone from an online forum attributes his receding hairline to lack of protein and iron and zinc. He said he’s done a thorough research.
He also said he does surmise his huge appetite for pasta and certain kinds of dessert can also be culprits, and then remembers he once mistook his mom’s feminine wash for shampoo.
I’m not sure if that poses any problem. But I’m sure a scientific study on the matter will come along and show up on my feed.
Vernon Velasco is a regular contributor to the BusinessMirror. The views Velasco expressed in his column do not necessarily reflect those of the BusinessMirror’s.