MAIL ONLINE reports that Kevin Simiyi, 18 years old, was caught in the act of raping a hen. He pleaded that he was too shy to chat up women. He settled for a hen. He asked for a reduced sentence as a first time offender. Just the same, the judge sentenced him to 15 months in Bungoma prison where he will be treated like a hen.
He pleaded he did not talk to women because they were expensive. That didn’t help.
He needed a better lawyer. For example, he pleaded guilty. “Yes, I did it.” Mitigating. He added, “I was caught defiling the hen by its owner.” Even more mitigating. Anybody using the elegant verb “defiling” deserves extra consideration.
He also introduced the exculpatory circumstance of social injustice, which covers a multitude of sins like drug dealing. “Because of the high level of poverty, I am afraid to approach women. Women are very expensive,” said Kevin.
I think a male judge would have understood. If he was here where the price of chicken is rising he’d have attempted it on a mouse, which is more elusive.
But another lawyer would say that he was been done in by the testimony of Judith Nasimiyu, the hen’s owner. She told the court that the bird died of exhaustion as veterinarians collected evidence against Simiyi.
At that point I would have stood and shouted, “If your honor please” and pointed at the vets, “there, there are the killers.”
In a related development, a 40-year old Thai man was caught in the act of having sex with a cow. Horrified villagers called the police.
In his favor, he pleaded the irresistible attraction to the cow. In favor of the villagers, they admitted he had been gazing a long time at the cow.
Again in his favor, he was caught in the act alongside a very busy road. He clearly could not control himself. Again in his favor, the villagers said they saw him groping the cow and kissing it on the snout.
Again in his favor, he was gentle with her. The brown cow was unhurt and carried on grazing.
The Thai man had no record of taking drugs. Clearly the allegation that drugs turn you into a raving sex maniac is a lie. And guys who try sex, be they drunk or high, will tell you it’s no fun with your mind flying all around and you unable to get it up let alone it there.
