UPON his election, Pope Francis was told by a longtime friend, a cardinal from Ceylon, to visit the Philippines after Sri Lanka. Francis could not say “no” to a friend who reminded him each time they met to go to the Philippines. Thank you, the cardinal from Ceylon, for sending the Santo Papa to us because, frankly, he shouldn’t honor us with a visit, given how cheap the Catholic rich are, with their paltry donations, and how susceptible the poor are to abortion propaganda. I prefer the name Ceylon; it has more resonance than Sri Lanka, which sounds like the Filipino word for jackfruit.
When the Pope comes, we cannot give him a repainted jeepney to ride. It’s been almost a century since the end of World War II and, despite national budgets aggregating in several trillion dollars since independence, we are still using World War II surplus vehicles. No, the Pope must be met with a Ford Focus, which is God’s chariot by papal choice.
Given the Pope’s small patience with privilege, it would be best to keep the rich at a distance during his visit, unlike what happened during John Paul II’s visit, which was infested with the rich. However, if a rich man wants to, he can offer to drive the Ford Focus, though he cannot take along his family. Not one, let alone the other, as well, which he keeps secret. There is not enough room.
Indeed, he must stay in the car when the Pope gets out, in case someone steals it. While he waits for the Pope, he can polish the car, which will undoubtedly fetch a price—in the hundreds of millions—from souvenir hunters, both here and abroad. Let me just say that if you go around in that car and meet a truck head-on at high speed—a frequent occurrence under the Aquino administration for an unexplained reason—you will be catapulted to heaven.
For the rest, the cardinal from Ceylon told my friend, Glenn Gale, that we must be prepared for the unexpected. Francis always goes off-script, as when he told an unmarried woman complaining that her parish priest would not baptize her baby, “Really? Well, come on over and I’ll do it.” And he did. Now everyone wants to have a bastard, though the ones here have no problem getting elected.