IN 2017 I shared a lot of my principles and practices in parenting. I’ve often been asked the question that given the time demanded by family, work and self, how does one get the “energy” to do it all? How does one prevent being overwhelmed from all external expectations? I became curious myself.
I remember that a few months before I got married, I was in the same dilemma. Today, having been a mom for 11 years, I can say I feel more equipped but still in search for tools, even though I can say I’m genuinely content with my “perfectly imperfect” parenting life. I value the journey a lot, all the ups, and even more precious are the challenges. I value the readings and the people who provided valuable advice. I found great importance in giving time to know myself, my family and continuously learn from my environment.
This 2018, I hope to share this journey of finding “parental contentment.” I hope once a month to step back and give time to explore the “self” in a parent. As a working mom, I believe the time I spend in quiet reflection has formed good foundations for me as a parent. I believe a “whole self” allows more “fluid” parenting, especially at a time where we’re all extremely busy. It makes us more ready to step out into the world, because we are able to quiet out external opinions and listen to ourselves more.
This year I also hope to share valuable stories from fellow parents. I love learning from millennial parents and parents my age.
Millennial parents have taught me a lot about being open and pursuing a more holistic life. My own peers have taught me how to seek for honest opinions among friends.
And at the helm of it all, I always hope to share my primal belief that gratitude begets gratitude. I hope to share the process of regularly seeking things to be grateful for, as well as to aim for happiness beyond material wealth.
This week I would like to share the concept of the “locus of control” which I learned from the book Smarter Faster Better: The Transformative Power of Real Productivity by Charles Duhigg.
The most interesting topic for me is the discussion on locus of control. There are two types. A strong “internal locus of control” underlies a belief that a person can influence their destiny through the choices they make. “Researchers have found that people with an internal locus of control tend to
praise or blame themselves for success or failure, rather than assigning responsibility to things outside their influence.”
“Internal locus of control has been linked with academic success, higher self-motivation and social maturity, lower incidences of stress and depression, and longer life span,” a team of psychologists wrote
in the journal Problems and Perspectives in Management in 2012.”
The second type is “external locus of control—believing that your life is primarily influenced by events outside your control.”
For parenting, I learned from this book that to strengthen my kids’ internal locus of control, “we should reward initiative, congratulate people for self-motivation and celebrate when an infant wants to feed herself. We should applaud a child who shows defiant, self-righteous, stubbornness and reward a student who finds a way to get things done by working around the rules.”
“Arts have always been a great starting point for my kids to learn self-motivation. They learn bite-size decision-making on what colors to use, how they choose to apply and be accountable for their results. Opportunities in school, like career or talent days, I would let my kids decide on what they would like to do. I would ask them to write the script. I would correct the grammar but the content is theirs.”
The book says that part of self-motivation, “we need to prove to ourselves that our choices are meaningful. When we start a new task, or confront an unpleasant chore, we should take a moment to ask ourselves ‘why’…. Once we start asking why, those small tasks become pieces of a large constellation of meaningful projects, goals and values.”
In my experience, seeking this “why” is not easy—and not permanent. However, we need to pin something down at least for the next five years. I see thriving businesses having strong visions. When difficult decisions need to be done, the vision becomes a central point of reference. I apply this same concept to my personal and parenting life.
I have worked on my personal goals and vision statements since I was in my early 20s. It takes practice, but more than that, it takes a good amount
of resolve to decide on what is truly important to us, even only for a period of time. We cannot be everything, but we can be something. I started with having three simple goals: earn my first million, get married, and have my first child. At the time, my income was around P25,000 a month, and I’d only started to date again.
My latest statement was done in 2011. It reads, “I lived a happy life of passion and success in family, work, society and spiritual life; boldly facing opportunities and challenges with integrity. All for the Glory of God.”
This 2018, wouldn’t it be great to write out your personal vision statement?